Part 3 of Alyssa Ho's Heartbreak series: How to deal with a breakup when you're the one who ended it
There are so many reasons as to why someone could choose to end a relationship. However, whilst some may choose to cut a journey with someone short because they perhaps found someone else or simply grew out of love it needs to be understood that there are those who end a relationship still loving and caring for a person. The problem nowadays is that many people assume that because someone was the one to end a relationship with someone that means that it's ultimately what they wanted, that they're doing perfectly fine and they're not even remotely affected by the breakup and the heartbreak and pain that ensues.
While it can be argued that some people may in fact feel that way once a chapter of their life with someone comes to a close we cannot place everyone in that one box. There are those who end a relationship someone even though they never wanted to but perhaps for one or both of them it needed to come to an end. Sometime you can't just lose feelings for someone and forget them just like that and that's true when it comes to being the one who breaks up with their ex-partner. If I'm going to open up about a close friend's experience without revealing too much in respect of her ex, she never wanted to end things as she did see it being a long term relationship and them having a future together. However she found herself endlessly unhappy because she felt like the love wasn't being returned, the effort wasn't being matched and the genuine care she showed wasn't being given back.
If he could have just met her halfway and showed her that this relationship was well and truly what he wanted and was committed to she knew it could of worked. That's the part that made it difficult for her to accept: it wasn't a hopeless cause, it had the potential to be something but it simply didn't become anything more. The love was being neglected, it wasn't being nurtured. Therefore, she decided that she was to end their journey because it was unfair for her to have to feel this way but because it was unfair to him to believe that everything was fine and that this was going to last forever. She felt as though there were some people who questioned why she ended things, perhaps assuming that there was someone else but you just have to let people say, think and assume whatever they like. No matter what happens, and no matter how hard they try, they will never come close to being understand what went on between the two of you and your love.
Beyond that, she felt that there was this assumption that because she ended it she was coping well and the whole process of healing that follows a breakup wouldn't even affect her one little bit. That was far from the truth. She still cared for him, loved him, thought of him and had a soft spot for him after they parted ways but when you end a relationship with someone, you're overcome with all of this guilt that you've gone and ripped someone's heart right out of their chest. How do you then tell them how you feel when you've gone and done something like that? All you can do is set the both of you free and allow for the both of you to start upon your new beginnings that won't include one another. She struggled, she cried, she broke down, she was devastated after hearing some news regarding him and she lost all hope of ever potentially meeting someone else who could love and accept her for her.
After a while she realised that even though she hurt him by ending things and having this constant guilt and worry, he seemed to be moving perfectly along with his life. Perhaps even coping with things more well than herself. In that moment she realised that maybe she didn't need to continue blaming herself and feeling as though she had broken him into tiny pieces. She realised that even though she had ended things if he could carry on with his life then so could she. If someone can forget you and let you fade into the backdrop then so could you. You can lie there crying yourself to sleep, losing hope in promising things unfolding along your future but if they're not then why should you close yourself off to a life you deserve to live? She soon began living and holding onto the thought that the journey ahead will be so much more beautiful than what she had ever left behind. You need to save yourself and tell yourself that this relationship is the end of a journey with someone but it isn't the end of your entire journey, just a small part of it.
If you've broken up with someone because being with them would've only hurt you and the relationship more, don't allow for anyone to take away your right to feel the pain that comes with it all. Here's my advice on how to deal with a breakup when you're the one who ended it:
Free yourself from the guilt and shame of having ended it:
Stop being so hard on yourself. The relationship ended so that you could stop hurting and holding onto something that simply wasn't there. This doesn't mean that you're being selfish at all because you're being truthful to them and letting them know that you don't see a future. Instead of stringing them along you are telling them how you feel so that they're not wasting their time anymore with a relationship that they believe would last. You are considering your happiness as well as theirs and while it may be difficult to be accept at first, you will thank yourself in the long run. You're setting the both of you free.
Realise what led you to end the relationship in the first place:
You ended things for a reason and you constantly need to remember why that was whilst letting go of any self-condemnation for ending things. You may have felt as though this is what you needed to do for the sake of both you whether it was to allow you to both grow independently, to find yourselves, to find someone more compatible, to release you into the future that you're destined for or to achieve what you wish to in life. When you reflect on why you ended things, you're telling yourself that you've made the right decision or you're reminding yourself of why you had to end things now and go through to pain in order to reach a remarkable point in your life in the future.
Know that just as they may meet someone else then so will you:
You have to understand that because you ended things with them you can't necessarily get upset or angry if they happen to meet someone else. The reality and truth is that if you don't want to be with them, and I guess if you can't be with them, you can't allow for no-one else to. You need to know that they may be in a hurry to seemingly move on and find someone else but sometimes that's just an act to replace you and to avoid having to deal with the heartache and heartbreak. However, if they do happen to meet someone else, that should not make you bitter it should give you hope that you can too meet someone else sometime down the track. Accept that you two weren't right or made for each other and that when the time and moment is right, you will cross paths with someone who will complement and change your life.
Accept your right to feel the pain, hurt and to break down:
You were in that relationship too and a breakup, often times, is not a walk in the park even for those who decided to end it. Don't fight your feelings. If you feel as though you need to take a step into darkness or as though you have no choice then let it happen. You have a right to feel the pain and hurt and to break down and cry. Let the pain come and go and rightly face what has happened and what you're leaving behind. If you're going to try and escape your feelings and if you're going to try and bottle things in it's all going to come at you at once. Don't ever lead yourself to believe that if you're having a bad day or moment once thinking of the breakup that you're being drawn steps back in healing and moving forward. You are human and you shared something significant and special with another. You don't just forget that or them and get over it in the blink of an eye. Allow yourself to feel the natural feelings that one does often during a breakup. Give yourself time, there's no rush.
Sometimes you need allow for the bad memories to outweigh the good:
What can often stop you from moving forward is not only the guilt and the remorse or the fear that you've made the wrong decision but it's that you continuously hold onto the good memories and this image and idea that you have of your partner and what you had. You feel as though you've gone and destroyed someone who was once such a big part of your life and genuinely loved and cared for you. You need to realise that in time you will thank yourself for giving the both of you a life and love that you both truly deserve; one that will not be spent together. You need to think of what led you to end the journey. There may have been pain and unhappiness building up inside of you that they intentionally or unintentionally caused. There may have been changes they promised to make but never did. There may have been endless times where they failed to realise what they had right before them. You need to stop holding so closely onto things that give you every reason to not move on. Think, or even make a list, of every reason why you need to forget them and focus on yourself and your future.
Know that you will have moments where you feel/are alone:
You will feel alone just like we all do it many points in our life but of course you will take this to heart and find it hard to cope with because in this time you will start thinking of the past, them, what you had and what has happened between the two of you. The time spent alone will be harder to deal with than ever before. That's okay, this is going to take time. You need to start getting used to being within your own company not just for the sake of this relationship but for your life journey. There are people who purposefully seek out being alone. You get to be in this sacred place with just yourself and your thoughts; enjoying your own company and being able to deeply think about yourself and your life. Don't try to escape being alone, know that it will make you stronger in standing on your own two feet. Make it somewhat enjoyable whether it's listening to music, having a glass of wine and something delicious to eat, watching your favourite movie/TV series, sipping on coffee or tea and reading a magazine, having a pampering session, taking a nice bath or simply doing something you love. No-one said being alone had to be boring and bad for you. Just know that as you are by yourself, your ex partner, no matter how hard they try to escape it, they will have to face being alone too at one point or another in their day/night.
Don't be afraid to get out there and discover who you are and the world you live in:
Allow for this breakup to give you time to really take an adventure, either mentally or psychically. This is the time to discover who you are and what you want in life. You might want to make some changes to who you are, how you treat others, how you treat yourself, how you perceive things, how do you things or just how you live. This is the time to think of yourself and where the journey will take you next. Maybe the relationship ending gave you a big wakeup call to yourself and what changes you need to make to yourself and your life. Sometimes, and after a breakup, you lose yourself and your identity leading you to feel lost. Maybe your ex partner stripped you of your freedom and individuality or just didn't give you enough space or encouragement to grow as a person. Therefore you are to see this as a time to take that opportunity into your own hands. Don't fear the world, immerse yourself in it. You don't have to hide in your bedroom or house throughout this entire time. Release yourself into the world around you and realise that there is life and something greater out there than just your ex and that one relationship. Whether by yourself or with friends go have a picnic in a nice park , find a cute little cafe, have a nice night out, go on a road trip, head down to the beach, go for a stroll somewhere or visit somewhere you've always wanted to. There is hope for you and your life for you are not be wholly consumed by that one life experience forever.
Surround yourself with those who deeply care for you and will be there for you:
During this time you need those in your life who will prove themselves 110%. You deserve to be around those who will check up on you, listen to you, give you advice and be there as best as they can to help you through it all and keep your mind off of it when they know it's most needed. Trust me when I tell you that there may be those in your life who don't have your best interests at heart and may only cause you to hurt more during this time. You'll find that they either won't be there for you at all and if they are they are only telling you things that you don't wish to hear or that are only making it harder for you to overcome these feelings that are breaking you. You may have to either distance or farewell some friends during this time but just think that it will only make room and allow you more time to spend with and be thankful for those friends who intend to see you get through this breakup and make improvements.
Start setting yourself goals, ambitions and a plan for the future:
This is the perfect time to start realising what the next chapter of your life holds and which direction you're going to head next. Don't dread having to realise all of this because whatever you decide to plan for yourself next it should be something that you love doing and actually makes you want to wake up every morning. At this time you need to start either placing thoughts in your mind or making lists of what you want to achieve in life. You might want to pursue something that you've always loved, something you've always wanted to but were fearful of, something you've kept putting off, something that people tell you that you're destined for or something that you can see yourself doing for the rest of your life. Don't get me wrong not all of these future plans need to be directed on a big, life-determining scale. You could set yourself small goals that can directly or indirectly affect and change your day to day life, personality or well-being. You can start planning what path you want to take next following this breakup and thinking of how you can grow and strengthen from the experience. This is simply the time to give yourself a future that you look forward to living. You want to think about these things as you go to sleep and as soon as you wake up to have you want to create this life for yourself that you deserve to live. You want to give yourself continuous hope and faith that the most promising days of your life lie ahead.
See this as a chapter closing and a new one beginning:
It's inevitable that there will be chapters of our lives will have to come to a close, even far earlier than we ever expected or wanted. In order to move on and forward with your life you need to fully close that chapter or else it will only hold you back as time goes on. You are disillusioning yourself into believing that you can go on with your life if there's something that will always be drawing you back. You need to ensure that the journey has ended for good and the chapter has certainly been closed. This doesn't have to be a bitter or hateful ending but you are to appreciate that person, what they brought into your life, what they taught you and what you shared but you need to find yourself moving on. This is your time for a new beginning, that should excite you!
Give yourself time to move on with your life:
There's no rush so don't give yourself a rough estimate on when you need to be over this breakup or don't feel as though you need to be healed from it just like that. Trust me when I tell you that these things take time, patience and understanding. You can't be too hard on yourself. There will be moments where you feel like you're making improvements but then there will be moments where you feel like everything you've worked towards has gone to waste. That can only happen if you feel as though you've returned to your past or continue to cling onto it. You made this decision with deep, careful thought and you made it for a reason. You're not going to be able to be okay with things just like that, give yourself all the time that you need to accept things, realise things and well and truly wake up to things.
Breakups aren't ever to be easy, remember that. During this time you need to love being within your own company and of those who love you and know that being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all. You are not defined nor are you to be wholly consumed by your ex partner and this one relationship. Whether what you had was good or bad for you to have left and ended things, it doesn't matter anymore. That's the past and you need to make peace with it. What matters now is the present time and how you're going to move on and forward with your life. This is one relationship, are you really going to let it ruin you or make you lose all hope? I want you to take this time to focus on you and your life and to free your mind from the thought that you need a significant other. You must occupy yourself with loving yourself and your life instead of purposefully seeking someone out. Do your own thing and just think that if someone happens to come along then that's just something you'll welcome with open arms.
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