Part 5 of Alyssa Ho's Heartbreak Series: How to deal with being cheated on.
To be cheated on is one of the most hurtful and heartbreaking things that can happen to someone. The damage that this act can leave on you is unimaginable for you worry that you will never find someone again or perhaps even a part of you may believe that the person who went against everything they promised you and destroyed you was the only one for you. You feel as though you gave that person everything that you could and that what you both had was going perfectly fine but now you feel as though what you'll have to offer someone will never be good enough because they'll probably just end up leaving you again. You feel as though you'll never reach a state of normality and happiness ever again for that was taken away from you the moment you found out the truth to what they had done to you. Despite the fact that your (ex) partner was the one who went and committed such an immoral and socially unacceptable act, you're the one here doubting yourself and feeling as though you'll never meet someone again. I'm sorry but that just doesn't sound fair and right to me.
If anything they should understand the damage that they have caused to someone who they once genuinely cared about and shared special moments of their life with; they should live with the guilt and remorse. You shouldn't have to continue to beg for their forgiveness (what have you possibly done wrong to be cheated on?!), you shouldn't have to apologise for anything neither should you chase them and force yourself into their life for that only reassures them that there was nothing wrong with what they had done. If you're so easily willing to let it go, they'll escape having to face what they had done and the consequences they well and truly deserve. You can blame the other person as much as you can but at the end of the day you (ex) partner should be loyal and respectful to you no matter what. You don't know if the other person knew about you and even if they did, it was your (ex) partner who should've been the one to put their foot down and not encourage or allow for it to happen.
Your (ex) partner is selfish and there is no other way to put it for they are allowing themselves fleeting satisfaction and indulgence whilst humiliating you and the other person, allowing you to both be played in this little game of theirs. They simply wanted the best of both worlds and the truth is that they never thought of anyone else. They did not worry that you could be made to look like a naive fool and they did not worry that the 'other' woman or man would be made to look like a 'home wrecker' or the one purely in the wrong. They wanted this all for themselves: they wanted to have them on the side to fulfil a need or a part of the relationship that they couldn't get from yours but they also wanted to security and comfortability of coming back to you, knowing that you were there and devoted to them. The truth is that they never stopped to take a moment to think of how much this would even remotely effect you because if they did, they would realise how badly it could ruin a person, their confidence, their life and their future relationships.
Things may not look promising for you now but I want you to be thankful that they are no longer in your life. You may miss them and feel as though you were too much or too less of something for them but you need to realise that you are better off without them. You won't see it now but in time you will see this as a blessing in disguise: a sign that you were destined to be led towards something more promising and fulfilling in life. This will all take time for you to accept and deal with but day by day you will make improvements. Before you know it you will be able to completely close that chapter of your life and move forth to something so much more wonderful. You are destined for so much more than to have yourself and your life broken and put on hold because of that ONE person who betrayed you. You must understand that they are but one human being and that there is indeed more to life beyond them and what they have done to you. Trust that the future holds something greater for you even if you're unsure as to what it is at present. This is the time for self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-love and when you reach that point you'll wonder how you ever thought of giving up on yourself and your life.
You must come to accept that this will stay with you forever however you will be able to move on and forth from this. You may forgive and forget, forgive and forget THEM or you may choose to do neither. That's entirely up to you. You will heal over time but the scars will never fade. You will have moments where you are reminded of the pain and you'll feel as though you'll never be able to escape this darkness but just know that your heart will piece itself together in time and that it will only come back stronger and wiser and so will you. You won't want to see it now, perhaps you'll fail to even if you tried, but just as every life experience and struggle you will learn something from this ordeal.
Here's my advice (keep in mind this is just my own views, I've never personally been in that position before) on how to deal with being cheated on:
Assess the situation but don't overwhelm yourself trying to make sense of it all:
The first thing you need to do is to try and keep a straight mind and focus on everything that has happened. Your partner has cheated on you and you need to think of where to go from hereon. Take as much time as you need to come to terms with what happened but don't stress yourself out trying to make sense of it all, why it happened, what you did wrong or could've done or why you're not good enough. What's done is done; the damage is done. You can try to piece everything together but may never be able to just as you may try to get the answers from them and an explanation but may either not get it or not get a truthful one. What you need to do now is face that they've gone and done what they have and that when you feel that you have had an appropriate time to accept that, then you can make the next important decision...
Take the time to think things through: the cheating, the break up and the moving on or the commitment to stay together and work on things:
Once you've accepted that you've been cheated on, you need to focus on whether you two will break up and move on with your life from all of this or whether you will stay together and try to save what's left of the relationship or what it has the potential to become from hereon out. The decision of course has to be mutual on behalf of the two of you and will vary from relationship to relationship. You need to focus on whether you can put this behind you or whether this will simply effect the relationship in the long run and only ruin it whenever you're reminded of it. Maybe they have decided to stay with the person with whom they cheated with, of course then you have no choice to have to leave and move on (Just remember, that if they could cheat on you with them, who is to say that they won't do the same to that person? If anything, you don't want to be with a person who could hurt someone else like that). Maybe you feel as though this is something that is unforgivable and unforgettable and that you two must part. Or maybe you feel, along with your partner, that the relationship can still go on. A big part of this will depend on how remorseful they are for what they have done and perhaps what they want to do from this point on also.
Know that this may cause you to lose your confidence but there's no saying that you can't regain it back and this may also cause you to blame yourself when it's far from your fault:
Without a doubt, being cheated on causes you to really doubt, hate and blame yourself. You begin to question what you had done wrong or what you could've done better. Even though they should feel remorseful for what they have done you can't help that you should feel remorseful for giving them too much or not enough for them to want to stay with just you and to be wholly committed to you. This experience will cause you to lose your confidence and a sense of self but just know that it isn't forever gone and that you can and you will get it back in time. You have to learn to accept that what they had done is more of a reflection of who they are rather than you. You shouldn't have to feel after all of it that it's your fault and wrong doing when it's clearly obvious that it's all on them. You need to now take the time to accept who you are in all of your complexities and in all of your strengths and weaknesses and know that someone who isn't willing to adore you on your best and worst days and in your best and worst moments isn't someone who could could or should spend a lifetime with. Relationships are about meeting each other halfway, comprising and loving someone just as much for their faults and flaws as you would for everything else that makes them irrefutably captivating.
Don't keep to yourself. Open up and know that you're not alone in your hurt.
During this time, you need to allow people to be there for you and to help you heal. You may not want to face anyone during this time for you feel as though you should be embarrassed or ashamed that your partner had cheated on you but let this be a time to realise who is worth keeping in your life. You need to give people the chance to show their friendship and support to you to see who can really come through for you when you need them to be the most and without you having to ask them to. You'll be surprised at how much they can not only listen and give you advice but at the same time you never know who can relate and understand what you're going through and how you're feeling. Although it may not give you much peace of mind, being cheated on is a universal experience that many people will go through yet also something that many people overcome. Hold onto that thought and know that you're not alone in your misery and that if someone else can make it through what was undoubtedly the worst time of their life then so can you.
You have the chance to learn that you cannot control things and people and that it's okay:
If this breakup will teach you anything it'll teach you that you can't always control things and people just like you can't control that you had been cheated on and that you can't control your (ex) partner. There is no way that you could've prevented this from happening. You can spend your life intensely trying to make or stop someone doing something but you'd rather be with someone who you can trust without a doubt and someone who you don't have to feel that you need to monitor or 'control.' From this experience you need to learn that there are things in life that are not within your hands and after you accept that only can you then deal and cope with what has happened to you. Therefore you cannot even begin to or ever blame yourself for them cheating because whilst you may not have had the power to stop it they did and they chose not to. Free yourself from what has happened and know that whilst you can't control other people and what they do you can control yourself and what you do so now is the time to think of where you will go from this point on.
Give yourself time, even if that's spent away from them:
It's perfectly fine for you to feel so broken, hurt, destroyed, angered and miserable during this time so you need the time to clear your mind and head and intensely assess the situation. How you feel now may change in time so right now is not the time to make any major decisions regarding your future. Whether you have a family together, live together and so on, you may need to take some time away from them to clear your mind and figure out what you want. Do you want to stay and fight for this relationship or has it ruined you enough that you feel that the pain of letting go will be worth it in the long run? Nothing that they could say right now can take away what has happened. I would allow for them to explain themselves and for you to have a chance to see whether or not they are even ashamed and regretful for what they have done. However for them to be in your face and presence the entire time will only cause you more anger and disallow you to take the time to really think and decide what to do now. To spend your time around them will only remind you of what they have done so for now be on your own to think things through.
As much as you'll try to fight it, face what they have done to you: they cheated due to temptation, opportunity, selfishness and a desire for something else:
Sometimes in life you need to be real and harsh with yourself instead of trying to protect your heart for the more you run away from reality and what has happened the more pain has a chance of catching up with you as time goes on. You can't pin point exactly why they cheated, unless they are willing to truthfully divulge it to you, but you can bring yourself to the awareness and attention of the broader reasons as to why they did it and what it tells you about them. You need to realise that they did not think of you at all when they did it. Whether it was a once off or multiple times they were so caught up in something else perhaps even themselves that they didn't or perhaps they intentionally avoided trying to think of you and how this would effect you and the relationship you had. You want to be with someone who can constantly be surrounded by an easy way out and endless temptation but will always choose you and come home to you. If you can remain loyal then so can they. You need to understand that the chance was there for them to cheat and they took it without thinking of the consequences or ever being caught out. You need to accept that they are plain selfish and were thinking of themselves and their own needs, interests and satisfaction. You need to understand whether they cheated because they wanted something else or wanted to try something else or to see if they could be with someone other than you. In the end, you must accept what they have done.
Don't jump straight into a relationship too soon after:
Your heart and yourself are way too vulnerable at this time and you're bound to have trust issues with this new potential partner. Don't risk it. Take this time to focus on yourself and the next chapter of your journey and know that in order for it to be a beautiful one it doesn't necessarily have to include a romantic relationship. You need to work on yourself first and take the time to figure out what you truly what from yourself, life and in love. If you're willing to jump straight into something after you've been cheated on, you're only going to be far more broken if they do happen to cheat or hurt you. After this entire ordeal you must take the time to regain love for yourself. Once experiencing that heart wrenching pain you need to first love yourself before looking for love in someone else. You can't get over the pain of losing someone you love or you believed you so strongly loved if you don't have yourself to fall back on and go back to. Right now you need your own love more than you need somebody else's. The most important relationship you need to be in right now is with yourself. Right now is not the time to take a risk and put yourself out there in search of something or rather someone that you think can help heal the pain. This isn't about placing revenge upon your (ex) partner and having them have to accept you being with someone else. Don't settle for something fleeting and temporary that will only leave you feeling more empty, broken and used. This is the time to focus on your relationship with yourself not someone else.
Don't ever feel worthless or as though you were never good enough, them cheating shows that they are in fact unworthy and undeserving of YOU:
The fact that you were cheated on doesn't mean that you are unworthy of being loved and in a relationship neither does it mean that you had done something wrong. The truth is that you want to be with someone who would want to be with you so much that if something was worrying, troubling or irritating them, your relationship meant more than that and therefore they would want to sit you down and talk about it in order to work it out and save what you have. Your (ex) partner did not open up to you about how they felt or perhaps any unhappiness with you or the relationship that led to them cheating and that doesn't mean that you weren't enough for them it simply means that they were too much of a coward to do so and instead turned to cheating. If anything they should've paid you more respect by ending things and then doing whatever they pleased rather than cheating. Sure it would've hurt just as much to let them go but that pain would've been more bearable than that of being cheated on. In committing such an act of heartlessness it's not that you don't deserve them or anyone's love for that matter but it's that they are undeserving of you and your love. You shouldn't have to be with or put up with someone who could show such a lack of heart, character, self control and morals.
Surviving this will make you realise that you are stronger than you ever imagined:
You need to know that you will make it through this. Relationships and being cheated on are not a be all and end all in life. At first or right now you will feel as though this pain will absolutely kill you and destroy you. You will feel as though this darkness will consume you and overpower you and that there is no way out for you. You will feel as though you and your life will never be the same again and that this pain and act of betrayal is one which you will carry forever or will undoubtedly haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust and know that over and in time you will heal. There are relationships that won't always last forever in life just as pain. Right now you may have no glimmer of hope that you can survive this and go on living and have things get better and steady for yourself but that's perfectly normal. You won't get over it all in the blink of an eye. You will heal as time goes on. Just believe that in time you will be able to look back on this and say that you overcame it all and triumphed what you thought had absolutely ruined you and your life. In surviving this experience you will realise that you stayed strong when things seemed ever unpromising and unlikely. You will reach a moment where you will realise that you're finally okay and that you're willing to leave the past behind and create a present and future for yourself that you look forward to living. You refused to allow for one person and their act of selfishness to dictate and dominate yourself and your life.
You'll learn to match someone's words up with their actions from now on:
After being cheated on you come to realise that people's words won't match with their actions or vice versa. You come to the realisation that people can lie, deceive and betray without feeling a touch of guilt. You'll find that your (ex) partner could've told you so many things to sweeten you up and keep you or that they could've made excuses as to why they couldn't be around or given you false reasons as to where they were, who they were with and what they were doing but that doesn't mean that it's the absolute truth. Don't regret anything. While they may have proved that they in fact don't have a (good) heart you proved that you do and there's nothing wrong with that. You'll learn to be more careful in trusting someone and to tell the difference between what they say and what they do. After being so hurt you realise that anyone can tell you what you want to hear and that people can lie as though it's nothing but sometimes you can't just take their words. You can easily fall for their words, what they swear on and their promises but there's no guarantee that they're the honest truth. If what they tell you isn't matching up with what they're actually showing and giving you, you need to be more careful in taking in their words.
Trust in fate and your future:
No matter how hard you'll try to fight it perhaps you weren't meant to be with him or her or perhaps you two weren't the right match or you two simply didn't complement one another and each other's lives. You may have loved them and you may believe that you could love no-one else but you haven't yet given yourself the chance and neither should you rush into anything for now. This is the time to gain positivity and perspective. You need to feel as though this incident is leading you towards something greater in life. Perhaps it's life's way of telling you that you have a greater purpose, gift or life ahead of you that doesn't include your (ex) partner. Trust in fate for while I know you'll hate to hear it, I do believe that everything does happen for a reason. There are things that happen in life that are beyond your power and control and you just have to let it happen and deal with it accordingly. The same is for when someone decides to inconsiderately cheat on you: you have to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing that you could've done to have stopped them and that it's now time to move on and forward with your life.
Have faith that not now, but in time when you've healed, you will meet someone better:
Don't be so fearful of relationships. As time goes on of course you shouldn't stop the past from preventing you from what could be a promising future with someone who knows how to treat you well. You can't forever hold onto the idea that people will hurt you or cheat on you. When it comes to love you do need to take some risks and put your heart on the line just as the other person will. You both have the power and potential to hurt one another and the paranoia will not help or serve you well. Wait for someone who will treat you better and someone who you won't have to constantly worry will do what your ex had done to you. There's a belief that the thoughts you put out into the Universe is what you will actually get in your life therefore you need to get yourself through every single day and every lonely, traumatising night by thinking of that beautiful moment when you unexpectedly meet someone who is what you've been waiting for or even someone who you didn't think you'd ever fall for and spend your life with. For now, know that there's nothing wrong with not being in a relationship or having a partner and that this is about you and your growth. This is about your journey and you finding the happiness in life that you deserve and if someone happens to come into your life along the way then that will just be something magical and something you will welcome.
I must note that so far I've given advice on how to deal with being cheated on and you making the decision to walk away from the relationship. However, I do take into account that there are people who choose to stay and work on the relationship with their partner who cheated therefore here's some advice if that's the path you wish to take. (Take note that there are some points above that you can take away from this also). If both you and your partner are willing to put the past behind you and work on a stronger relationship and future then here's some advice:
You both need to be committed to making this relationship work/survive:
If you're going to stay with them and save and strengthen this relationship of yours a part of you does need to let go of what happened. You must accept that it happened but realise that together with them you've made the conscious decision to instead focus on the present and your future together. If they're remorseful enough for what they have done you're not going to make it easier for them to move forward with you if you keep on reminding them of the past or bringing it up and using it against them every time you have a disagreement or dispute. If you're willing to give this relationship another try, you do need to accept that a big part of you does need to let go of what has happened or else if you don't it will largely affect and perhaps even disrupt the relationship as time goes on. Just as you're willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work and survive so does your parter. They need to prove themselves to you and show that they are equally, if not more, committed to giving this relationship another try. If you can let it go that they cheated, they must let go of any idea in their mind that you're the reason for them doing so.
Understand that they cheated due to problems associated with not only yourself, but perhaps themselves or the relationship:
You two, if you're truly willing to make this relationship work and move on from what happened, need to take a moment to sit down face to face and let all the truths out and be honest. You can have the chance to have your questions answered and the same goes for them. You need to realise what went wrong with the relationship for them to have cheated, what inner and personal issues they were dealing with led to them cheating, what was missing from the relationship that led them to cheat, what you had done wrong or hadn't done enough for them to have cheated. If you two, or more appropriately if they, can pinpoint what led them to cheat then you can figure out what you need to change, fix, improve or pay attention to as a team. If you're going to move forward you need to address what it was that was holding your relationship back. Maybe you need to focus on yourself, help your partner focus on themselves and perhaps any inner and personal struggles and battles or something that they believed was, and may truthfully be, missing from what you had.
Discuss with how you and your partner you can move on from here:
After having cleared everything up and making a mutual decision to move forward from the past together you two must now decide where to go from here. You may have to make promises to be more truthful and open about your feelings or views, to approach one another as soon as you feel there's an issue or concern, to tell each other if you're having doubts or temptations, if you're feeling as though this can't work, if you feel as though the trust still isn't there and so on. You may need to make some ground rules or promises to one another that will give you hope and faith that this can truly work. You may need to think of ways that you can work around the past in order to have a promising present and future together. Love takes time, effort and work and therefore you need to both be willing to put the hard yards in and realise that this journey won't be a walk in the park.
You will need for your partner to be genuinely remorseful and to take full responsibility for what they had done:
You'll never be able to truly move on from the past and be able to make your peace with it if a part of you feels as though your partner doesn't feel at all bad or bad enough for what they had done. They need to show you that it was truly a mistake and that it will never happen again. You need for them to show you that they honestly feel guilty for what had happened and for them to realise how much they hurt you and how they nearly lost you for good. If you let them get away with it just like that, without any consequences or conversation, they're going to think that it barely affects you and that they got away with it and can perhaps even go and do it again to you. More than anything you need for them to be accountable for what had happened. When you first found out that they had cheated you may have blamed yourself and felt that you were partly or majorly responsible for them doing that to you however they need to take responsibility for their actions and for what they have caused. They need to put their pride and ego aside and acknowledge and admit to what they had done and put your heart and mind at ease that it was them that cheated and that you were not one bit responsible for that. If they can own up to their actions and behaviour then you two can move forward.
You will need for them to prove their loyalty and commitment to you and to give you every reason to trust them again:
As you've learned in the past, you can't necessarily take them for their words and promises anymore and therefore you need to start taking them for their actions, their behaviours and what they're actually giving you. In cheating on you they really betrayed your trust and what you both had taken the time to build. Now you're pretty much starting from scratch and you need them to give you all of their time and effort to prove that they will be loyal and committed to you. They need to give you every reason to trust them and to know that they are with you and only you. You shouldn't feel bad for supposedly having the upper hand during this time and having them prove themselves to you. They will never understand, and even come close to, what they put you through and how they made you feel so they really do need to make it up to you. In order for this relationship to work this time around they need to put your mind and heart at ease and show that they are serious about this, that they have changed and that it won't happen again. Just know that because they know how easy it is to cheat, they may become more protective and even distrusting of you based on the past and what they have done. Don't let them turn it on you and make it look as though you should be the one to prove yourself. They need to make it clear to you that they want to be in this relationship and that they want to make it work.
Whether you've chosen to let go and move on with your life or hold on and give the relationship another try then I truly wish you all the best and I hope you find the joy that you deserve in this lifetime.
No comments:
Post a Comment