{advice and articles | HEARTBREAK SERIES. Part 5}

Part 5 of Alyssa Ho's Heartbreak Series: How to deal with being cheated on.

To be cheated on is one of the most hurtful and heartbreaking things that can happen to someone. The  damage that this act can leave on you is unimaginable for you worry that you will never find someone again or perhaps even a part of you may believe that the person who went against everything they promised you and destroyed you was the only one for you. You feel as though you gave that person everything that you could and that what you both had was going perfectly fine but now you feel as though what you'll have to offer someone will never be good enough because they'll probably just end up leaving you again. You feel as though you'll never reach a state of normality and happiness ever again for that was taken away from you the moment you found out the truth to what they had done to you. Despite the fact that your (ex) partner was the one who went and committed such an immoral and socially unacceptable act, you're the one here doubting yourself and feeling as though you'll never meet someone again. I'm sorry but that just doesn't sound fair and right to me.

If anything they should understand the damage that they have caused to someone who they once genuinely cared about and shared special moments of their life with; they should live with the guilt and remorse. You shouldn't have to continue to beg for their forgiveness (what have you possibly done wrong to be cheated on?!), you shouldn't have to apologise for anything neither should you chase them and force yourself into their life for that only reassures them that there was nothing wrong with what they had done. If you're so easily willing to let it go, they'll escape having to face what they had done and the consequences they well and truly deserve. You can blame the other person as much as you can but at the end of the day you (ex) partner should be loyal and respectful to you no matter what. You don't know if the other person knew about you and even if they did, it was your (ex) partner who should've been the one to put their foot down and not encourage or allow for it to happen.

Your (ex) partner is selfish and there is no other way to put it for they are allowing themselves fleeting satisfaction and indulgence whilst humiliating you and the other person, allowing you to both be played in this little game of theirs. They simply wanted the best of both worlds and the truth is that they never thought of anyone else. They did not worry that you could be made to look like a naive fool and they did not worry that the 'other' woman or man would be made to look like a 'home wrecker' or the one purely in the wrong. They wanted this all for themselves: they wanted to have them on the side to fulfil a need or a part of the relationship that they couldn't get from yours but they also wanted to security and comfortability of coming back to you, knowing that you were there and devoted to them. The truth is that they never stopped to take a moment to think of how much this would even remotely effect you because if they did, they would realise how badly it could ruin a person, their confidence, their life and their future relationships.

Things may not look promising for you now but I want you to be thankful that they are no longer in your life. You may miss them and feel as though you were too much or too less of something for them but you need to realise that you are better off without them. You won't see it now but in time you will see this as a blessing in disguise: a sign that you were destined to be led towards something more promising and fulfilling in life. This will all take time for you to accept and deal with but day by day you will make improvements. Before you know it you will be able to completely close that chapter of your life and move forth to something so much more wonderful. You are destined for so much more than to have yourself and your life broken and put on hold because of that ONE person who betrayed you. You must understand that they are but one human being and that there is indeed more to life beyond them and what they have done to you. Trust that the future holds something greater for you even if you're unsure as to what it is at present. This is the time for self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-love and when you reach that point you'll wonder how you ever thought of giving up on yourself and your life.

You must come to accept that this will stay with you forever however you will be able to move on and forth from this. You may forgive and forget, forgive and forget THEM or you may choose to do neither. That's entirely up to you. You will heal over time but the scars will never fade. You will have moments where you are reminded of the pain and you'll feel as though you'll never be able to escape this darkness but just know that your heart will piece itself together in time and that it will only come back stronger and wiser and so will you. You won't want to see it now, perhaps you'll fail to even if you tried, but just as every life experience and struggle you will learn something from this ordeal.

Here's my advice (keep in mind this is just my own views, I've never personally been in that position before) on how to deal with being cheated on:

Assess the situation but don't overwhelm yourself trying to make sense of it all:
The first thing you need to do is to try and keep a straight mind and focus on everything that has happened. Your partner has cheated on you and you need to think of where to go from hereon. Take as much time as you need to come to terms with what happened but don't stress yourself out trying to make sense of it all, why it happened, what you did wrong or could've done or why you're not good enough. What's done is done; the damage is done. You can try to piece everything together but may never be able to just as you may try to get the answers from them and an explanation but may either not get it or not get a truthful one. What you need to do now is face that they've gone and done what they have and that when you feel that you have had an appropriate time to accept that, then you can make the next important decision...

Take the time to think things through: the cheating, the break up and the moving on or the commitment to stay together and work on things:
Once you've accepted that you've been cheated on, you need to focus on whether you two will break up and move on with your life from all of this or whether you will stay together and try to save what's left of the relationship or what it has the potential to become from hereon out. The decision of course has to be mutual on behalf of the two of you and will vary from relationship to relationship. You need to focus on whether you can put this behind you or whether this will simply effect the relationship in the long run and only ruin it whenever you're reminded of it. Maybe they have decided to stay with the person with whom they cheated with, of course then you have no choice to have to leave and move on (Just remember, that if they could cheat on you with them, who is to say that they won't do the same to that person? If anything, you don't want to be with a person who could hurt someone else like that). Maybe you feel as though this is something that is unforgivable and unforgettable and that you two must part. Or maybe you feel, along with your partner, that the relationship can still go on. A big part of this will depend on how remorseful they are for what they have done and perhaps what they want to do from this point on also.

Know that this may cause you to lose your confidence but there's no saying that you can't regain it back and this may also cause you to blame yourself when it's far from your fault:
Without a doubt, being cheated on causes you to really doubt, hate and blame yourself. You begin to question what you had done wrong or what you could've done better. Even though they should feel remorseful for what they have done you can't help that you should feel remorseful for giving them too much or not enough for them to want to stay with just you and to be wholly committed to you. This experience will cause you to lose your confidence and a sense of self but just know that it isn't forever gone and that you can and you will get it back in time. You have to learn to accept that what they had done is more of a reflection of who they are rather than you. You shouldn't have to feel after all of it that it's your fault and wrong doing when it's clearly obvious that it's all on them. You need to now take the time to accept who you are in all of your complexities and in all of your strengths and weaknesses and know that someone who isn't willing to adore you on your best and worst days and in your best and worst moments isn't someone who could could or should spend a lifetime with. Relationships are about meeting each other halfway, comprising and loving someone just as much for their faults and flaws as you would for everything else that makes them irrefutably captivating.

Don't keep to yourself. Open up and know that you're not alone in your hurt. 
During this time, you need to allow people to be there for you and to help you heal. You may not want to face anyone during this time for you feel as though you should be embarrassed or ashamed that your partner had cheated on you but let this be a time to realise who is worth keeping in your life. You need to give people the chance to show their friendship and support to you to see who can really come through for you when you need them to be the most and without you having to ask them to. You'll be surprised at how much they can not only listen and give you advice but at the same time you never know who can relate and understand what you're going through and how you're feeling. Although it may not give you much peace of mind, being cheated on is a universal experience that many people will go through yet also something that many people overcome. Hold onto that thought and know that you're not alone in your misery and that if someone else can make it through what was undoubtedly the worst time of their life then so can you.

You have the chance to learn that you cannot control things and people and that it's okay:
If this breakup will teach you anything it'll teach you that you can't always control things and people just like you can't control that you had been cheated on and that you can't control your (ex) partner. There is no way that you could've prevented this from happening. You can spend your life intensely trying to make or stop someone doing something but you'd rather be with someone who you can trust without a doubt and someone who you don't have to feel that you need to monitor or 'control.' From this experience you need to learn that there are things in life that are not within your hands and after you accept that only can you then deal and cope with what has happened to you. Therefore you cannot even begin to or ever blame yourself for them cheating because whilst you may not have had the power to stop it they did and they chose not to. Free yourself from what has happened and know that whilst you can't control other people and what they do you can control yourself and what you do so now is the time to think of where you will go from this point on.

Give yourself time, even if that's spent away from them:
It's perfectly fine for you to feel so broken, hurt, destroyed, angered and miserable during this time so you need the time to clear your mind and head and intensely assess the situation. How you feel now may change in time so right now is not the time to make any major decisions regarding your future. Whether you have a family together, live together and so on, you may need to take some time away from them to clear your mind and figure out what you want. Do you want to stay and fight for this relationship or has it ruined you enough that you feel that the pain of letting go will be worth it in the long run? Nothing that they could say right now can take away what has happened. I would allow for them to explain themselves and for you to have a chance to see whether or not they are even ashamed and regretful for what they have done. However for them to be in your face and presence the entire time will only cause you more anger and disallow you to take the time to really think and decide what to do now. To spend your time around them will only remind you of what they have done so for now be on your own to think things through.

As much as you'll try to fight it, face what they have done to you: they cheated due to temptation, opportunity, selfishness and a desire for something else: 
Sometimes in life you need to be real and harsh with yourself instead of trying to protect your heart for the more you run away from reality and what has happened the more pain has a chance of catching up with you as time goes on. You can't pin point exactly why they cheated, unless they are willing to truthfully divulge it to you, but you can bring yourself to the awareness and attention of the broader reasons as to why they did it and what it tells you about them. You need to realise that they did not think of you at all when they did it. Whether it was a once off or multiple times they were so caught up in something else perhaps even themselves that they didn't or perhaps they intentionally avoided trying to think of you and how this would effect you and the relationship you had. You want to be with someone who can constantly be surrounded by an easy way out and endless temptation but will always choose you and come home to you. If you can remain loyal then so can they. You need to understand that the chance was there for them to cheat and they took it without thinking of the consequences or ever being caught out. You need to accept that they are plain selfish and were thinking of themselves and their own needs, interests and satisfaction. You need to understand whether they cheated because they wanted something else or wanted to try something else or to see if they could be with someone other than you. In the end, you must accept what they have done.

Don't jump straight into a relationship too soon after:
Your heart and yourself are way too vulnerable at this time and you're bound to have trust issues with this new potential partner. Don't risk it. Take this time to focus on yourself and the next chapter of your journey and know that in order for it to be a beautiful one it doesn't necessarily have to include a romantic relationship. You need to work on yourself first and take the time to figure out what you truly what from yourself, life and in love. If you're willing to jump straight into something after you've been cheated on, you're only going to be far more broken if they do happen to cheat or hurt you. After this entire ordeal you must take the time to regain love for yourself. Once experiencing that heart wrenching pain you need to first love yourself before looking for love in someone else. You can't get over the pain of losing someone you love or you believed you so strongly loved if you don't have yourself to fall back on and go back to. Right now you need your own love more than you need somebody else's. The most important relationship you need to be in right now is with yourself. Right now is not the time to take a risk and put yourself out there in search of something or rather someone that you think can help heal the pain. This isn't about placing revenge upon your (ex) partner and having them have to accept you being with someone else. Don't settle for something fleeting and temporary that will only leave you feeling more empty, broken and used. This is the time to focus on your relationship with yourself not someone else.

Don't ever feel worthless or as though you were never good enough, them cheating shows that they are in fact unworthy and undeserving of YOU:
The fact that you were cheated on doesn't mean that you are unworthy of being loved and in a relationship neither does it mean that you had done something wrong. The truth is that you want to be with someone who would want to be with you so much that if something was worrying, troubling or irritating them, your relationship meant more than that and therefore they would want to sit you down and talk about it in order to work it out and save what you have. Your (ex) partner did not open up to you about how they felt or perhaps any unhappiness with you or the relationship that led to them cheating and that doesn't mean that you weren't enough for them it simply means that they were too much of a coward to do so and instead turned to cheating. If anything they should've paid you more respect by ending things and then doing whatever they pleased rather than cheating. Sure it would've hurt just as much to let them go but that pain would've been more bearable than that of being cheated on. In committing such an act of heartlessness it's not that you don't deserve them or anyone's love for that matter but it's that they are undeserving of you and your love. You shouldn't have to be with or put up with someone who could show such a lack of heart, character, self control and morals.

Surviving this will make you realise that you are stronger than you ever imagined: 
You need to know that you will make it through this. Relationships and being cheated on are not a be all and end all in life. At first or right now you will feel as though this pain will absolutely kill you and destroy you. You will feel as though this darkness will consume you and overpower you and that there is no way out for you. You will feel as though you and your life will never be the same again and that this pain and act of betrayal is one which you will carry forever or will undoubtedly haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust and know that over and in time you will heal. There are relationships that won't always last forever in life just as pain. Right now you may have no glimmer of hope that you can survive this and go on living and have things get better and steady for yourself but that's perfectly normal. You won't get over it all in the blink of an eye. You will heal as time goes on. Just believe that in time you will be able to look back on this and say that you overcame it all and triumphed what you thought had absolutely ruined you and your life. In surviving this experience you will realise that you stayed strong when things seemed ever unpromising and unlikely. You will reach a moment where you will realise that you're finally okay and that you're willing to leave the past behind and create a present and future for yourself that you look forward to living. You refused to allow for one person and their act of selfishness to dictate and dominate yourself and your life.

You'll learn to match someone's words up with their actions from now on:
After being cheated on you come to realise that people's words won't match with their actions or vice versa. You come to the realisation that people can lie, deceive and betray without feeling a touch of guilt. You'll find that your (ex) partner could've told you so many things to sweeten you up and keep you or that they could've made excuses as to why they couldn't be around or given you false reasons as to where they were, who they were with and what they were doing but that doesn't mean that it's the absolute truth. Don't regret anything. While they may have proved that they in fact don't have a (good) heart you proved that you do and there's nothing wrong with that. You'll learn to be more careful in trusting someone and to tell the difference between what they say and what they do. After being so hurt you realise that anyone can tell you what you want to hear and that people can lie as though it's nothing but sometimes you can't just take their words. You can easily fall for their words, what they swear on and their promises but there's no guarantee that they're the honest truth. If what they tell you isn't matching up with what they're actually showing and giving you, you need to be more careful in taking in their words.

Trust in fate and your future:
No matter how hard you'll try to fight it perhaps you weren't meant to be with him or her or perhaps you two weren't the right match or you two simply didn't complement one another and each other's lives. You may have loved them and you may believe that you could love no-one else but you haven't yet given yourself the chance and neither should you rush into anything for now. This is the time to gain positivity and perspective. You need to feel as though this incident is leading you towards something greater in life. Perhaps it's life's way of telling you that you have a greater purpose, gift or life ahead of you that doesn't include your (ex) partner. Trust in fate for while I know you'll hate to hear it, I do believe that everything does happen for a reason. There are things that happen in life that are beyond your power and control and you just have to let it happen and deal with it accordingly. The same is for when someone decides to inconsiderately cheat on you: you have to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing that you could've done to have stopped them and that it's now time to move on and forward with your life.

Have faith that not now, but in time when you've healed, you will meet someone better:
Don't be so fearful of relationships. As time goes on of course you shouldn't stop the past from preventing you from what could be a promising future with someone who knows how to treat you well. You can't forever hold onto the idea that people will hurt you or cheat on you. When it comes to love you do need to take some risks and put your heart on the line just as the other person will. You both have the power and potential to hurt one another and the paranoia will not help or serve you well. Wait for someone who will treat you better and someone who you won't have to constantly worry will do what your ex had done to you. There's a belief that the thoughts you put out into the Universe is what you will actually get in your life therefore you need to get yourself through every single day and every lonely, traumatising night by thinking of that beautiful moment when you unexpectedly meet someone who is what you've been waiting for or even someone who you didn't think you'd ever fall for and spend your life with. For now, know that there's nothing wrong with not being in a relationship or having a partner and that this is about you and your growth. This is about your journey and you finding the happiness in life that you deserve and if someone happens to come into your life along the way then that will just be something magical and something you will welcome.

I must note that so far I've given advice on how to deal with being cheated on and you making the decision to walk away from the relationship. However, I do take into account that there are people who choose to stay and work on the relationship with their partner who cheated therefore here's some advice if that's the path you wish to take. (Take note that there are some points above that you can take away from this also). If both you and your partner are willing to put the past behind you and work on a stronger relationship and future then here's some advice:

You both need to be committed to making this relationship work/survive:
If you're going to stay with them and save and strengthen this relationship of yours a part of you does need to let go of what happened. You must accept that it happened but realise that together with them you've made the conscious decision to instead focus on the present and your future together. If they're remorseful enough for what they have done you're not going to make it easier for them to move forward with you if you keep on reminding them of the past or bringing it up and using it against them every time you have a disagreement or dispute. If you're willing to give this relationship another try, you do need to accept that a big part of you does need to let go of what has happened or else if you don't it will largely affect and perhaps even disrupt the relationship as time goes on. Just as you're willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work and survive so does your parter. They need to prove themselves to you and show that they are equally, if not more, committed to giving this relationship another try. If you can let it go that they cheated, they must let go of any idea in their mind that you're the reason for them doing so.

Understand that they cheated due to problems associated with not only yourself, but perhaps themselves or the relationship:
You two, if you're truly willing to make this relationship work and move on from what happened, need to take a moment to sit down face to face and let all the truths out and be honest. You can have the chance to have your questions answered and the same goes for them. You need to realise what went wrong with the relationship for them to have cheated, what inner and personal issues they were dealing with led to them cheating, what was missing from the relationship that led them to cheat, what you had done wrong or hadn't done enough for them to have cheated. If you two, or more appropriately if they, can pinpoint what led them to cheat then you can figure out what you need to change, fix, improve or pay attention to as a team. If you're going to move forward you need to address what it was that was holding your relationship back. Maybe you need to focus on yourself, help your partner focus on themselves and perhaps any inner and personal struggles and battles or something that they believed was, and may truthfully be, missing from what you had.

Discuss with how you and your partner you can move on from here:
After having cleared everything up and making a mutual decision to move forward from the past together you two must now decide where to go from here. You may have to make promises to be more truthful and open about your feelings or views, to approach one another as soon as you feel there's an issue or concern, to tell each other if you're having doubts or temptations, if you're feeling as though this can't work, if you feel as though the trust still isn't there and so on. You may need to make some ground rules or promises to one another that will give you hope and faith that this can truly work. You may need to think of ways that you can work around the past in order to have a promising present and future together. Love takes time, effort and work and therefore you need to both be willing to put the hard yards in and realise that this journey won't be a walk in the park.

You will need for your partner to be genuinely remorseful and to take full responsibility for what they had done:
You'll never be able to truly move on from the past and be able to make your peace with it if a part of you feels as though your partner doesn't feel at all bad or bad enough for what they had done. They need to show you that it was truly a mistake and that it will never happen again. You need for them to show you that they honestly feel guilty for what had happened and for them to realise how much they hurt you and how they nearly lost you for good. If you let them get away with it just like that, without any consequences or conversation, they're going to think that it barely affects you and that they got away with it and can perhaps even go and do it again to you. More than anything you need for them to be accountable for what had happened. When you first found out that they had cheated you may have blamed yourself and felt that you were partly or majorly responsible for them doing that to you however they need to take responsibility for their actions and for what they have caused. They need to put their pride and ego aside and acknowledge and admit to what they had done and put your heart and mind at ease that it was them that cheated and that you were not one bit responsible for that. If they can own up to their actions and behaviour then you two can move forward.

You will need for them to prove their loyalty and commitment to you and to give you every reason to trust them again: 
As you've learned in the past, you can't necessarily take them for their words and promises anymore and therefore you need to start taking them for their actions, their behaviours and what they're actually giving you. In cheating on you they really betrayed your trust and what you both had taken the time to build. Now you're pretty much starting from scratch and you need them to give you all of their time and effort to prove that they will be loyal and committed to you. They need to give you every reason to trust them and to know that they are with you and only you. You shouldn't feel bad for supposedly having the upper hand during this time and having them prove themselves to you. They will never understand, and even come close to, what they put you through and how they made you feel so they really do need to make it up to you. In order for this relationship to work this time around they need to put your mind and heart at ease and show that they are serious about this, that they have changed and that it won't happen again. Just know that because they know how easy it is to cheat, they may become more protective and even distrusting of you based on the past and what they have done. Don't let them turn it on you and make it look as though you should be the one to prove yourself. They need to make it clear to you that they want to be in this relationship and that they want to make it work.

Whether you've chosen to let go and move on with your life or hold on and give the relationship another try then I truly wish you all the best and I hope you find the joy that you deserve in this lifetime. 

{advice and articles | HEARTBREAK SERIES. Part 4}

Part 4 of Alyssa's Heartbreak Series: How to deal with your ex-partner finding someone else.

Whether it was them or yourself who ended it having to hear or know that they've gone and found someone else will always break your heart. You become torn between feeling jealous or hurt. The pain enters into you as you feel as though they have not only gone and replaced you but that they have well and truly forgotten you. You feel a sense of betrayal, even though you're no longer together, that they've just gone and thrown everything you ever meant to them or everything that you've ever shared away just like that. You feel isolated as though it's them against you. You feel as though you're the only one of you two who is really going through the heartache of this breakup. You feel a sense of anger that they felt this was some sort of competition as to who could find someone else first. No matter how you feel just know that them finding and being with someone else isn't the end of your world. You are destined for so much more than to be hurt by someone who doesn't see or appreciate your worth. If anything, them finding someone else should only give you hope that someday when the timing is right, you will meet someone too.

Why should you be sitting there sulking whilst they're off with someone else? You can be the victim in all of this only if you choose to be. Whether or not they're intentionally trying to get to you and your heart by finding someone else you should know that in either case they're not worth any of your time, effort and attention for any longer. If they have shown you that they have found someone else and moved on then that shouldn't give you any reason to continue holding on.

Here's my advice on how to deal with your ex-partner finding someone else:

Accept that your ex-partner may just be doing this to intentionally get to you and hurt you:
Following a breakup, there's usually a sense of competition as to who can find someone else first. If you've broken up with your partner or if they're just that type of person who doesn't care much for someone else's feelings, they will purposefully seek someone out for the pure sake of avenging you or causing you pain. Perhaps they feel as though they wish for you to hurt just as much as you made them hurt or perhaps you need to accept that their heart is not as big as you believed it to be. You have to understand that a part of them may want you to know that they are now with someone else which in reality only makes you question whether the relationship is genuine or if they're only in it to prove something to you.

Realise that the grass isn't always greener on the other side:
In your mind, (or lets be honest, based on what we see on social media), we have this image and idea that the new relationship your ex-partner is in is beyond anything more than you two ever shared. You need to understand that what they share with that person cannot be judged purely based on what you imagine in your mind or what they have chosen to share with the world. You are only hurting, or perhaps torturing, yourself more by believing it to be more than what it is. You have to know that whilst they've found someone else, it may not be what they truly want but for the sake of having the upper hand in the breakup they choose to stick with it. You don't know what's going through your exes mind and why they've pursued this relationship and if they're genuinely happy to be in it. Either way it's none of your business and concern. You are to focus on your life, not theirs. 

Understand that this may just be their way of coping with the breakup or rather trying not to:
Something that you need to know is that your ex getting into a relationship, especially very soon following the breakup, may just be an escape route for them from having to face their feelings and deal with your journey together ending. You can't help but think it selfish of them to not face what's happened head on and to go through the same heartbreak and heartache yourself but if anything you should pity them for not having the courage and instead having the cowardice to use someone else as a means of forgetting you and everything that has happened. The truth may be that they cannot fathom the thought of being alone during the breakup and instead they are choosing to avoid it entirely by using someone else.

Prove to them that unlike them, you know how to be and love being independent:
There are simply those who cannot even handle being alone or simply don't even know how to. You'll notice that they are endlessly jumping from one relationship to another as if none of them ever meant anything to them at all. If anything this not only shows just how selfish they are but it shows their lack of independence and that they constantly feel they need someone there to remind them of their existence and purpose. You need to prove that you don't need someone else in your life to complete you and give you a sense of identity. You stand stronger in being alone because you prove that you can still find happiness in life that is free of coming from entirely one other person's company.

Let the anger and hurt of realising that they've found someone else be enough reason to stop talking to them, thinking of them, wanting them or simply holding yourself from moving on and forward:
In some cases, finding out that they have found someone else can lead you to chase them and try to force your way back into their life. Is it worth it for someone who could so easily hurt you, replace you, neglect you and forget you? If anything you realising that they have gone and found someone else should be enough reason for you to consider the past as the past and get on with your life. They've showed you that they can go and share in something special with someone else and if anything why should you humiliate and degrade yourself by still wanting them and still showing them how much you adore them? If anything it just shows or indicates to them that they can have the best of both worlds. Do not spoil them for choice. You are more than a choice to them.

Come to see that whether their new love is fleeting or may last forever, that shouldn't concern you one bit: 
Your ex-partner can only continue hurting you if you let them. If you simply learn to not care about it, nothing they do can get to you anymore. It sounds easy but in practice it won't be and neither is it meant to be but it will be worth it. You can sit there wondering or hoping that the relationship won't last for long or you can sit there stressing that they could be in it for the long run and have a promising future together but you're only causing this added heartbreak to yourself. Let them do whatever they wish and you do your own thing and live a life that you want and love. You are destined for so much more than to be consumed and bothered by your ex partner and what they're currently doing with their life. Your new chapter is waiting.

Know that you're in no rush to settle and that you would rather wait for the right person however long that may be:
Whilst they may have rushed straight into a relationship, you don't feel as though you have anything to prove. You are busy focusing on yourself and your future instead of feeling as though a relationship is everything in life and more. Unlike them you would like to take your time in being with someone for you're not willing to settle nor are you willing to engage in something just to pass the time or something that you know will not last. You're wanting to wait for someone who is well and truly worth the wait. Unlike you ex partner you don't wish to be with someone for the pure sake of it or for your own selfish reasons such as getting over a breakup or someone.

As hard as it sounds, try to not let it affect you.
The truth is that you cannot control every situation in life or what people choose to do. In trying to understand how they could find someone else or the entire situation that has unfolded you're only hurting yourself. Free your mind from thinking about it or stressing over it. The chapter of your life with them has closed and while they have started upon a new one, so are you. You can spend your time trying to understand, dissect, cry, hurt and break down over them finding someone else but what's the point? You can't stop them from doing anything in life and that sense of powerlessness should lead you to leave the entire situation and focus on your own.

Have it give you hope and faith that you will find someone: 
Understandably, knowing that they have gone and find someone else may cause you to lose all hope of perhaps being with them ever again or maybe even finding someone yourself who will accept you for you but if anything, it should only make you realise that if they can find someone else then so can you. You are not destined to be with your ex partner no matter how much you lead yourself to believe so. If something has already been broken, it's sometimes best to try to not fix it for it'll never be the same as it once was. See your ex having found someone else remind you of what you have to give and how much love you have to offer someone else just as you once gave to them.

For now understand that moving on isn't about finding someone else but rather finding yourself:
A widely held belief following a breakup is that each person in the relationship is to 'move on.' However, what they perceive as a successful move on is finding someone else. Moving on isn't about entering into another relationship, it's about entering a path of self-discovery and self-love. This is the perfect time for you to discover who you are and what you want in life. This isn't about your ex and anything and everything that has happened between you, it's about you and what step you're going to take next. This is your new beginning and your chance to explore who you are or who you want to be and where you are in life and where you wish to be.

To find out that your ex has found someone else will always crush your heart and it will deeply pain you but you must know that you are destined for more than to be made so broken by someone who doesn't love, care or think of you anymore. You have to be honest with yourself during this time if you want to be able to move on and forward with your life.

{advice & articles | HEARTBREAK SERIES. Part 3}

Part 3 of Alyssa Ho's Heartbreak series: How to deal with a breakup when you're the one who ended it

There are so many reasons as to why someone could choose to end a relationship. However, whilst some may choose to cut a journey with someone short because they perhaps found someone else or simply grew out of love it needs to be understood that there are those who end a relationship still loving and caring for a person. The problem nowadays is that many people assume that because someone was the one to end a relationship with someone that means that it's ultimately what they wanted, that they're doing perfectly fine and they're not even remotely affected by the breakup and the heartbreak and pain that ensues. 

While it can be argued that some people may in fact feel that way once a chapter of their life with someone comes to a close we cannot place everyone in that one box. There are those who end a relationship someone even though they never wanted to but perhaps for one or both of them it needed to come to an end. Sometime you can't just lose feelings for someone and forget them just like that and that's true when it comes to being the one who breaks up with their ex-partner. If I'm going to open up about a close friend's experience without revealing too much in respect of her ex, she never wanted to end things as she did see it being a long term relationship and them having a future together. However she found herself endlessly unhappy because she felt like the love wasn't being returned, the effort wasn't being matched and the genuine care she showed wasn't being given back. 

If he could have just met her halfway and showed her that this relationship was well and truly what he wanted and was committed to she knew it could of worked. That's the part that made it difficult for her to accept: it wasn't a hopeless cause, it had the potential to be something but it simply didn't become anything more. The love was being neglected, it wasn't being nurtured. Therefore, she decided that she was to end their journey because it was unfair for her to have to feel this way but because it was unfair to him to believe that everything was fine and that this was going to last forever. She felt as though there were some people who questioned why she ended things, perhaps assuming that there was someone else but you just have to let people say, think and assume whatever they like. No matter what happens, and no matter how hard they try, they will never come close to being understand what went on between the two of you and your love. 

Beyond that, she felt that there was this assumption that because she ended it she was coping well and the whole process of healing that follows a breakup wouldn't even affect her one little bit. That was far from the truth. She still cared for him, loved him, thought of him and had a soft spot for him after they parted ways but when you end a relationship with someone, you're overcome with all of this guilt that you've gone and ripped someone's heart right out of their chest. How do you then tell them how you feel when you've gone and done something like that? All you can do is set the both of you free and allow for the both of you to start upon your new beginnings that won't include one another. She struggled, she cried, she broke down, she was devastated after hearing some news regarding him and she lost all hope of ever potentially meeting someone else who could love and accept her for her.

After a while she realised that even though she hurt him by ending things and having this constant guilt and worry, he seemed to be moving perfectly along with his life. Perhaps even coping with things more well than herself. In that moment she realised that maybe she didn't need to continue blaming herself and feeling as though she had broken him into tiny pieces. She realised that even though she had ended things if he could carry on with his life then so could she. If someone can forget you and let you fade into the backdrop then so could you. You can lie there crying yourself to sleep, losing hope in promising things unfolding along your future but if they're not then why should you close yourself off to a life you deserve to live? She soon began living and holding onto the thought that the journey ahead will be so much more beautiful than what she had ever left behind. You need to save yourself and tell yourself that this relationship is the end of a journey with someone but it isn't the end of your entire journey, just a small part of it. 

If you've broken up with someone because being with them would've only hurt you and the relationship more, don't allow for anyone to take away your right to feel the pain that comes with it all. Here's my advice on how to deal with a breakup when you're the one who ended it:

Free yourself from the guilt and shame of having ended it:
Stop being so hard on yourself. The relationship ended so that you could stop hurting and holding onto something that simply wasn't there. This doesn't mean that you're being selfish at all because you're being truthful to them and letting them know that you don't see a future. Instead of stringing them along you are telling them how you feel so that they're not wasting their time anymore with a relationship that they believe would last. You are considering your happiness as well as theirs and while it may be difficult to be accept at first, you will thank yourself in the long run. You're setting the both of you free. 

Realise what led you to end the relationship in the first place:
You ended things for a reason and you constantly need to remember why that was whilst letting go of any self-condemnation for ending things. You may have felt as though this is what you needed to do for the sake of both you whether it was to allow you to both grow independently, to find yourselves, to find someone more compatible, to release you into the future that you're destined for or to achieve what you wish to in life. When you reflect on why you ended things, you're telling yourself that you've made the right decision or you're reminding yourself of why you had to end things now and go through to pain in order to reach a remarkable point in your life in the future.

Know that just as they may meet someone else then so will you:
You have to understand that because you ended things with them you can't necessarily get upset or angry if they happen to meet someone else. The reality and truth is that if you don't want to be with them, and I guess if you can't be with them, you can't allow for no-one else to. You need to know that they may be in a hurry to seemingly move on and find someone else but sometimes that's just an act to replace you and to avoid having to deal with the heartache and heartbreak. However, if they do happen to meet someone else, that should not make you bitter it should give you hope that you can too meet someone else sometime down the track. Accept that you two weren't right or made for each other and that when the time and moment is right, you will cross paths with someone who will complement and change your life.

Accept your right to feel the pain, hurt and to break down:
You were in that relationship too and a breakup, often times, is not a walk in the park even for those who decided to end it. Don't fight your feelings. If you feel as though you need to take a step into darkness or as though you have no choice then let it happen. You have a right to feel the pain and hurt and to break down and cry. Let the pain come and go and rightly face what has happened and what you're leaving behind. If you're going to try and escape your feelings and if you're going to try and bottle things in it's all going to come at you at once. Don't ever lead yourself to believe that if you're having a bad day or moment once thinking of the breakup that you're being drawn steps back in healing and moving forward. You are human and you shared something significant and special with another. You don't just forget that or them and get over it in the blink of an eye. Allow yourself to feel the natural feelings that one does often during a breakup. Give yourself time, there's no rush.

Sometimes you need allow for the bad memories to outweigh the good:
What can often stop you from moving forward is not only the guilt and the remorse or the fear that you've made the wrong decision but it's that you continuously hold onto the good memories and this image and idea that you have of your partner and what you had. You feel as though you've gone and destroyed someone who was once such a big part of your life and genuinely loved and cared for you. You need to realise that in time you will thank yourself for giving the both of you a life and love that you both truly deserve; one that will not be spent together. You need to think of what led you to end the journey. There may have been pain and unhappiness building up inside of you that they intentionally or unintentionally caused. There may have been changes they promised to make but never did. There may have been endless times where they failed to realise what they had right before them. You need to stop holding so closely onto things that give you every reason to not move on. Think, or even make a list, of every reason why you need to forget them and focus on yourself and your future.

Know that you will have moments where you feel/are alone:
You will feel alone just like we all do it many points in our life but of course you will take this to heart and find it hard to cope with because in this time you will start thinking of the past, them, what you had and what has happened between the two of you. The time spent alone will be harder to deal with than ever before. That's okay, this is going to take time. You need to start getting used to being within your own company not just for the sake of this relationship but for your life journey. There are people who purposefully seek out being alone. You get to be in this sacred place with just yourself and your thoughts; enjoying your own company and being able to deeply think about yourself and your life. Don't try to escape being alone, know that it will make you stronger in standing on your own two feet. Make it somewhat enjoyable whether it's listening to music, having a glass of wine and something delicious to eat, watching your favourite movie/TV series, sipping on coffee or tea and reading a magazine, having a pampering session, taking a nice bath or simply doing something you love. No-one said being alone had to be boring and bad for you. Just know that as you are by yourself, your ex partner, no matter how hard they try to escape it, they will have to face being alone too at one point or another in their day/night.

Don't be afraid to get out there and discover who you are and the world you live in:
Allow for this breakup to give you time to really take an adventure, either mentally or psychically. This is the time to discover who you are and what you want in life. You might want to make some changes to who you are, how you treat others, how you treat yourself, how you perceive things, how do you things or just how you live. This is the time to think of yourself and where the journey will take you next. Maybe the relationship ending gave you a big wakeup call to yourself and what changes you need to make to yourself and your life. Sometimes, and after a breakup, you lose yourself and your identity leading you to feel lost. Maybe your ex partner stripped you of your freedom and individuality or just didn't give you enough space or encouragement to grow as a person. Therefore you are to see this as a time to take that opportunity into your own hands. Don't fear the world, immerse yourself in it. You don't have to hide in your bedroom or house throughout this entire time. Release yourself into the world around you and realise that there is life and something greater out there than just your ex and that one relationship. Whether by yourself or with friends go have a picnic in a nice park , find a cute little cafe, have a nice night out, go on a road trip, head down to the beach, go for a stroll somewhere or visit somewhere you've always wanted to. There is hope for you and your life for you are not be wholly consumed by that one life experience forever. 

Surround yourself with those who deeply care for you and will be there for you: 
During this time you need those in your life who will prove themselves 110%. You deserve to be around those who will check up on you, listen to you, give you advice and be there as best as they can to help you through it all and keep your mind off of it when they know it's most needed. Trust me when I tell you that there may be those in your life who don't have your best interests at heart and may only cause you to hurt more during this time. You'll find that they either won't be there for you at all and if they are they are only telling you things that you don't wish to hear or that are only making it harder for you to overcome these feelings that are breaking you. You may have to either distance or farewell some friends during this time but just think that it will only make room and allow you more time to spend with and be thankful for those friends who intend to see you get through this breakup and make improvements. 

Start setting yourself goals, ambitions and a plan for the future:
This is the perfect time to start realising what the next chapter of your life holds and which direction you're going to head next. Don't dread having to realise all of this because whatever you decide to plan for yourself next it should be something that you love doing and actually makes you want to wake up every morning. At this time you need to start either placing thoughts in your mind or making lists of what you want to achieve in life. You might want to pursue something that you've always loved, something you've always wanted to but were fearful of, something you've kept putting off, something that people tell you that you're destined for or something that you can see yourself doing for the rest of your life. Don't get me wrong not all of these future plans need to be directed on a big, life-determining scale. You could set yourself small goals that can directly or indirectly affect and change your day to day life, personality or well-being. You can start planning what path you want to take next following this breakup and thinking of how you can grow and strengthen from the experience. This is simply the time to give yourself a future that you look forward to living. You want to think about these things as you go to sleep and as soon as you wake up to have you want to create this life for yourself that you deserve to live. You want to give yourself continuous hope and faith that the most promising days of your life lie ahead. 

See this as a chapter closing and a new one beginning: 
It's inevitable that there will be chapters of our lives will have to come to a close, even far earlier than we ever expected or wanted. In order to move on and forward with your life you need to fully close that chapter or else it will only hold you back as time goes on. You are disillusioning yourself into believing that you can go on with your life if there's something that will always be drawing you back. You need to ensure that the journey has ended for good and the chapter has certainly been closed. This doesn't have to be a bitter or hateful ending but you are to appreciate that person, what they brought into your life, what they taught you and what you shared but you need to find yourself moving on. This is your time for a new beginning, that should excite you! 

Give yourself time to move on with your life:
There's no rush so don't give yourself a rough estimate on when you need to be over this breakup or don't feel as though you need to be healed from it just like that. Trust me when I tell you that these things take time, patience and understanding. You can't be too hard on yourself. There will be moments where you feel like you're making improvements but then there will be moments where you feel like everything you've worked towards has gone to waste. That can only happen if you feel as though you've returned to your past or continue to cling onto it. You made this decision with deep, careful thought and you made it for a reason. You're not going to be able to be okay with things just like that, give yourself all the time that you need to accept things, realise things and well and truly wake up to things. 

Breakups aren't ever to be easy, remember that. During this time you need to love being within your own company and of those who love you and know that being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all. You are not defined nor are you to be wholly consumed by your ex partner and this one relationship. Whether what you had was good or bad for you to have left and ended things, it doesn't matter anymore. That's the past and you need to make peace with it. What matters now is the present time and how you're going to move on and forward with your life. This is one relationship, are you really going to let it ruin you or make you lose all hope? I want you to take this time to focus on you and your life and to free your mind from the thought that you need a significant other. You must occupy yourself with loving yourself and your life instead of purposefully seeking someone out. Do your own thing and just think that if someone happens to come along then that's just something you'll welcome with open arms. 

{advice & articles | HEARTBREAK SERIES. Part 2}

Part 2 of Alyssa Ho's Heartbreak series: How to deal with being broken up with

Breakups are hard to deal with, especially when you realise that someone no longer wants to be with you. You spend so much time wondering and perhaps even waiting for them to realise that maybe they made a mistake by letting you go. You dedicate so much time towards thinking that you've done something wrong, that there's something you should've or could've done to have kept them or that something is wrong with you. 

You begin questioning, doubting and hating yourself simply because someone no longer wishes to walk a journey with you. For whatever reason it was that they decided to end things, whether it had to do with them or you, the reality is that it doesn't matter. Things have officially ended and there's really no use in endlessly trying to figure out what went wrong because maybe you'll never be given or find the real truth that you seek. 

You may feel as though you are unworthy of being loved or that you or hard to love but the truth is that you just weren't destined to be with that person forever no matter how much you may have both believed that to be true. Sometimes we need to see people entering and leaving our lives as a blessing and a gift. Maybe they walked the journey with you to teach you something, to complement your life, to challenge and test you, to make you come to certain realisations and to make you realise what you truly want in love and life.

The truth as we have often tried to shy away from is that not everything will last forever. Perhaps you are to hold onto what you both had and shared and appreciated that it was real; it did happen and it did exist. Whilst they may no longer be in your life free yourself of the pain and perhaps hatred towards them and allow for the precious memories to live on in your mind but find yourself moving on and forward with your life. 

Many people spend their lives hoping and wishing to experience love and the magic that it can bring into one's life and you were lucky enough to have first handedly gone through it all. Whilst that person may no longer be in your life the hardest part may be coming to terms with the fact that they consciously decided to end things and no longer be with you.

Here's my advice on how to deal with being broken up with:

Accept what has happened:
Firstly you need to understand that, that person who you saw yourself being for longer than this has made the conscious decision that they no longer wish to be with you. You cannot expect yourself to get over it and heal in the blink of an eye but you are to accept the situation that has unfolded at present. You are to accept that they no longer wish for you both to be a part of one another's life and this is where your journey together will end. You are then to accept that you are to have to go on and live without them and that you are to begin a new chapter of your life from this point onwards. If someone has actually made the time to sit there and question you and your relationship, you're better off without them.

Control your thoughts and stop blaming yourself or thinking that there's something you could've done to save the relationship:
You need to realise that while you may still have feelings for them and you never saw this coming to an end, nor did you ever want it to, you can't control what goes on in someone else's thoughts and how they feel. You can blame yourself all you want and think that perhaps you could've done something more or less to have saved the relationship and made it last but the truth is that you didn't see this coming. You can't regret anything because you deserve to be with someone who you give every single reason to walk away yet they will choose to stay and fight to be with you. We fall in love with each other for more than all of the beautiful reasons but rather each other's mistakes, regrets, failures, weirdness, shortcomings, weaknesses and struggles. 

Come to terms with the fact that you may not get the closure or explanations that you want and deserve:
You can try and seek answers but the harsh, hurtful reality is that you may not get it or maybe you will but you won't get the truth. You could just be hearing what they want you to hear. Don't feel as though you're not deserving of closure or an explanation but rather see it as them not deserving you at all if they can't even give you a proper, truthful reason as to why they no longer wish to be with you. You may feel as though you need for them to tell you what led to this parting but is it really going to change anything? Is it going to heal your heart any more or will it only hurt it? Is it going to make them want you back or more? Your journey together has ended now and you are to go on without them so does it matter? You have to realise that you're destined for so much more than to be left wondering why someone who was meant to love and care for you doesn't want you anymore. 

Know that while you may not have been good enough for them, that doesn't mean you're not good enough for someone else:
When you've been broken up with, it is perfectly common to believe that you weren't good enough for them and therefore that leads you to become insecure and introverted believing that you're not good enough for anyone else for that matter. That's not the truth at all. In life people will always come and go. You are to understand that not everyone who is a part of our life will be our perfect match, our better half, our forever or our "soul mate." However that doesn't mean that having them in our life was a complete and utter waste. It simply means that they were brought into our lives to teach us things about ourselves, them, life and the world. Don't let that person define you. You may not have been right for each other or destined for a future but that doesn't mean you won't find someone else.

Be patient and understanding with yourself:
Give yourself time to heal, there's no rush. Trust me when I tell you that time is exactly what you need. The more you try hurry to get over this and move forward or the more you falsely tell yourself and others that you're fine and that you've moved on, the more everything will eventually catch up on you and overwhelm you immensely. Don't feel as though you're not getting better or taking steps forward just because you still think of them, miss them, care about them or even love them. It's perfectly fine for these feelings to still exist, the main part is realising that you are to live without them. You need to be true to yourself throughout this time but you also need to be real and harsh with yourself. You can reflect on the past and what you both once shared but you do need to know that for your own sake, you can't linger on what was for too long. Instead you need to focus on what can become of you and your journey now. 

Realise that you don't wish to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you:
After you've been broken up with you feel as though there's something about you that makes you unworthy of being in a relationship with or that you owe them an explanation. Beyond that you still have feelings for them and may chase them to give you another chance and be with you. Right here and now, you need to be extremely real and harsh with yourself: This person that you've devoted to yourself has put time and thought into deciding that they don't want to be with you anymore. If someone doesn't want to be with you and have made that clear, why should you have to run after them and try to force your way back into their life? If they wanted to be in contact they would but if not, then you need to accept that they don't want you in their life anymore and therefore neither should you want them in yours. To pursue someone who doesn't want to be with you, won't make them want you anymore. You must hold onto your self-respect and dignity and realise that someone who deserved you or truly wanted you in their life wouldn't second guess it and they would make an effort to make it work no matter how hard times got. 

Feel blessed for what they brought into your life and taught you:
You can either sulk in sadness or approach the situation with anger, which won't get you anywhere at all, or you could take a moment to accept that this relationship has reached its full potential and for having the experience of sharing something special with someone who was once the perfect stranger you are thankful. You should free yourself from any negative feelings for holding onto them will only lead to hurting yourself and feeding your pain. Simply take some time away from the world and take the time to think why it was that you were brought into each other's lives. Maybe there was something specific about how you met, why you were attracted to each other or the timing of when you crossed paths. You should think of what they brought into your life and taught you. Maybe they brought out the best or the worst in you. Maybe they taught you things about yourself. Maybe you learned things about them. Maybe you opened yourself up to the world around you and this thing that we call life. Maybe you learned what you do and don't want in future relationships. Maybe you learned about what you want in life or where you want to be. From every life experience and person there's something for you to take away and treasure or simply learn and grow from.

Accept that not everything will last a lifetime and simply be grateful for the love and happiness that you were lucky enough to have experienced:
Relationships are difficult and they do take a lot of work but for the most part they unfold naturally. You need to realise that as time went on maybe things changed between the two of you, certain things came to light, conflicts became common, a future could not be seen, someone grew unhappy, different things were wanted or someone lost feelings. You need to accept that maybe you weren't the right match or you didn't complement each other well. From there you are to understand that not everything lasts forever in life and that shouldn't make you lose hope in love altogether but it should make you thankful for what you were able to experience. Many people wish for someone they like to like them back or for a relationship and you were lucky enough to have the both of that. Things may have changed as time went on but you are to look back and appreciate that you were able to share something in a deep, intimate experience with another human being. 

See it as the chance for you two to discover who you are and what you truly want in life:
This is a new experience for the both of you and the new direction in which both of your lives will take. It's going to be difficult to understand that you will not be walking the journey together but you need to realise that you can only strengthen from this breakup. You can allow it to consume you or you can conquer it. Take this as a moment to reflect and get excited about what your future holds for you. You are about to embark upon a whirlwind experience where you will witness yourself cry, break down, doubt yourself, lose yourself and even more importantly, accept, learn, grow, laugh, change and move on and forward. This is the time for you to explore who you are as a person and the big world out there. You need to understand that there are more experiences in life rather than a breakup, that there are people out there rather than just your ex partner and that there is a world beyond this whole situation. In ending your journey together they have given you the opportunity to discover who you are or perhaps who you want to become and what you have in life or perhaps what you want. 

Allow for this ending to signify a new beginning:
This may be the end of your relationship but it isn't the end of your life. This is the perfect time to gain hope that your present and future will hold promising things for you if you let it. This is the end but at the same time it's the beginning of a new you, a new life and a new perspective. I want you to give yourself a reason to wake and brave each new day. I want you to make yourself look forward to the life that you're going to create for yourself and live. I want you to realise that it's okay to break down and cry every now and then but after that I want you to have the strength to rise, fight back and make the most of your life. I want you to explore, discover and go on adventures. I want you to go to new, different places and meet new, different people. I want you to create goals for yourself and focus on your future and your ambitions. I want you to surround yourself with those who will lift you up and do anything within their power to help you through this time. I want you to spend time doing things that you love or simply make you happy. I want you to keep on living and surviving because you deserve to and there is so much more to life than being upset over someone who isn't walking your journey with you anymore. 

Take some time to be by yourself:
The reality is that, as any other human being or any other point in your life, you will have to deal with being by yourself. Now that you're no longer together you're going to take it way harder than you ever have before. You will feel lonely, unloved and alone but you must realise that it's perfectly fine and normal to take this time to return to the past and thoughts of your ex-partner. You may reflect, cry, break down and lose all hope but from there you can only fall to get back up and decide that you refuse to feel this way any longer and that you will fight all of this; you will fight to keep on going. You need to learn to be by yourself and to enjoy it. There are people who absolutely adore having alone time and whilst you may see this as a moment of darkness and deep misery, you are to let the pain come and go. Don't fight it. Sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts and fall into despair in order to open your eyes and realise that you are destined and deserve more in life than to cry over a breakup and someone who doesn't want to be with you. 

If potential loves happen to come into your life don't be fearful:
I'm not suggesting that you jump into something new straight away but in time when you feel as though you've healed and that you're not just going to settle for any relationship for the sake of getting back at your ex partner or forgetting them, you can leave yourself open to meeting someone else. It's going to be difficult to do so after being broken by someone else for you will not only question yourself but you will most likely question that person and their intentions. You'll be afraid of being hurt and left again and the idea of being with someone else may seem far at the back of your mind. You don't want to risk another disappointment and heartbreak but don't allow for the breakup to cheat you or fear you from what could be something truly magical. You'll never know if you don't try. Don't see it as an added heartbreak to heal from or another person who you're not good enough for but rather see it as an opportunity to show your real self and how much love you have to give. If someone can't accept that or doesn't want to be with you then you need to be so comfortable in yourself and what you have to offer that you know that is their loss. 

Lastly, know that things will be OKAY and that life after this breakup will go on:
I understand that accepting it all and having to realise that you are to move on and forward without them is heartbreaking and painful but you need to know that you have it within you to overcome all of this no matter how unlikely it seems right now. 

Here's some helpful articles that I found whilst writing this article and seeking some inspiration on writing this piece:

6 Things You Learn When Someone Breaks Up With You

Breaking Up and Moving On

{advice and articles | HEARTBREAK SERIES. Part 1}

Part 1 of Alyssa Ho's Heartbreak series: How to deal with a break-up

Lets talk about break-ups and in this sense I want to focus on how to generally deal with a break-up despite whether you were the one who made the conscious decision to end it or not. The reality with many breakups is that whether it's what you did or did not want you're essentially losing someone who was once a major part of your life and someone who you once shared mutual feelings and meaningful experiences with. 

Therefore, you're never going to be able to forget about it all and them in the blink of an eye or as much as you convince yourself that you have. Breakups are difficult to deal with and I don't intend to sit here, writing to you all claiming to be some sort of love doctor or relationship expert. I'm simply giving you advice from my perspective for I believe that experiencing breakups is a universal thing. 

When you know in your mind and heart that a relationship has ended for good one thing that you need to accept is that you do have to deal with it and face what has happened. If you try to run away from it and escape it all, I promise you that it will eventually catch up with you and only then it'll be harder for you to deal with as it will seem as one big bombardment. 

Here's my own advice on how to deal with a break-up:

Accept what has happened and why it has ended:
The pain still lives on and is perhaps raw but you must acknowledge that this relationship is officially over and therefore you need to accept that and the demise of the partnership in order to move on and forth. From there, you are to consider why it was that it all came to an end but never place any blame on yourself or think of what you could've done to save it. If someone truly wanted to be in your life and to be with you they would've found a way to make it work instead of walking away. As with every encounter in life this is the time to reflect on what that person taught you either about them, yourself, people, life or perhaps more deeply, what you're looking for whether that's in terms of a future relationship or your future in general. 

Realise what's stopping you from letting go and moving on:
Maybe there's something stopping you from letting go and moving on with your life. It's perfectly normal to miss them, all that you had and all that you could've had but maybe it's something else. Are you fearful that they will meet someone else, that they have something that they could use against you, that you feel you owe them something or that they will forget you? I promise you these thoughts will not serve you well. If the relationship has come to an end none of this matters. Fear may cause you to hold on but if they've already let go then so can you. I want you to acknowledge what's stopping you from letting go and moving on and then I want you to think of how you can overcome it all because I know that there will be a way somehow. More often than not it's just your thoughts haunting you and leading you into paranoia. 

Give yourself time and don't be afraid to break down:
The problem with breakups is that we often put too much pressure on ourselves to heal and get over it. We endlessly feel as though we have made some sort of improvement but then suddenly we feel as though we are back at square one. Dealing with a breakup is somewhat of a journey; it will take time. Don't rush yourself or don't give yourself a time limit in which you expect yourself to be free from it all. Trust that in time you will learn to live without them there. A piece of advice that one of my best friend's gave me when I was going through a breakup was to let the pain come and go. I then learned that it was okay to breakdown here and there and that it didn't mean that I wasn't making any progress; it simply meant that I have a right to my emotions and that sometimes you just need to cry it all out and have a serious breakdown here and there.

Reminders of them and remembering them will come and go: 
I want you to know that you will think of them or you will miss them. Don't let yourself believe that any reminder or remembrance of them means that you need them back in your life or that you need to reach out to them. You are trying to move on from them of course they're going to cross you mind as they're the very thing that you're trying to forget. Cherish what you had but at the same time find yourself moving on and forward with your life. The thoughts of them should never signify to you that you need them back it just means that you will have to accept that they will come across your mind every now and then. Let them enter and leave your thoughts. With the thoughts of them may come heartbreak, hurt, pain, tears and misery either due to how much they hurt you or how much you wish you could go back in time but you need to let this all unfold naturally, as hard as it will get, for this is simply just a part of the healing process. It's not meant to be easy but that doesn't mean that you can't make it through. 

Accept that you may hear about them, from them or see them around:
Breakups are hard because whilst you may try to escape from it all, the reality is that you may not be able to escape it entirely. Maybe you will hear about them, hear from them or see them around. You must be prepared for this. You may hear something that will make your heart melt or on the other end of that you may hear something that will shatter your heart into pieces. If you know in your heart that this relationship cannot be fixed and it cannot be something in which you return to then I need you to stay strong and fight everything that's trying to drag you back to your past; a closed chapter of your life. If you're hearing something that will send a dagger straight through your chest just know that not everything you see or hear is the truth, that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and that you have it within you to make it through all of this. Don't let people and words ruin you, you're better than that and you're destined for so much more than that. 

Know that they may meet someone but also be hopeful about what that means for you:
A hard thing about dealing with a breakup is the gut-wrenching thought and possibility that lingers in your mind of them with someone else. You think to yourself that they may be talking to someone else, meeting or hooking up with someone else or that they could be with someone else (either right now or in the future.) You are no longer together this should be none of your business. Treat that person who you were once with as a complete stranger who is able to do whatever they please just as you are able to as well. If they wish to forget you and move on with someone else then you've suffered no loss at all for you deserve someone who considers you irreplaceable. 

It's hurtful and heartbreaking to think or know that they are with someone else but just think of it as their way of trying to avoid having to deal with the breakup as you admirably are. They are trying to run away from facing it and thinking of and missing you. Change your perspective: think that maybe they want someone else their to fill the void that is you. Just think, if they can find someone else or could potentially be with someone else in the future, who is to say that you can't? This isn't a competition as to who can move on, it's about realising that moving on doesn't necessarily mean having to find someone else. 

Be ready for loneliness:

As much as you try to stay happy or occupied the truth is that you will face some truly testing and difficult moments where you just can't hold it in anymore and you have a breakdown or a cry. There will be moments where you do something and you think of them or you may simply just feel lonely especially when night time comes and you're there by yourself and with your raging thoughts. You need to realise that just as you may be alone during this time so may they. There will be a time where they will be completely by themselves and you will cross their mind so don't feel as though you're in this alone. The moments of loneliness will not be easy to come by but just know that it's perfectly fine and normal to succumb to the pain, just don't allow yourself to stay in that state forever. Fall down but remember to get back up. You're guaranteed to have those moments where you think of them and just fall to pieces and feel that you have absolutely no-one but the reality is that you're slowly healing and this is just a part of you learning to cope without having them there. You're on the road to living without them. 

Spend some time discovering who you are and the rest of the world: 
When you're no longer with someone this is the perfect chance to really reflect on you and who you are or who you want to be. This is the time to set personal goals for yourself. You may perhaps want to think about what the future holds for you and what direction you're going to take. Maybe you want to consider your ambitions and dreams or doing something different or that you've always wanted to but never got around to. You must spend some time exploring yourself and this world. Don't dwell in misery and loneliness, get out there and explore everything around you whether it's sitting at a cafe, strolling through the city, enjoy mother-nature, going on a road trip, escaping to somewhere where you can clear your mind or maybe even travelling. Don't keep yourself away from the world but rather delve into it and go on some adventures. 

Do things that make you happy and surround yourself with those who make you happy: 
If you know that this is going to be a terribly difficult time for you, consider what makes you happy and spend some time devoting yourself to that rather than drowning yourself in self-pity and misery. You need to spend time doing things that you love, that you've always wished to, that comfort you, that heal and help you, that challenge you, that make you laugh or that take you out of your comfort zone. This time is about you and ensuring that you will be okay and that you're doing fine. Don't hold back on focusing on you and your happiness. Don't worry about what your ex-partner is doing, focus on you. During this time it helps tremendously if you're being surrounded by people who you can turn to and talk to. If you find that somebody is potentially toxic to you as you deal and recover from this break-up you may need to consider distancing from them during this time. You need to be around those who will be there for you and will go that extra mile to ensure that you make it through it all. 

Stay positive: 
You need to constantly keep an open-mind and a positive perspective on things whether that's through channeling good vibes or sourcing inspiration, motivation and empowerment by any means possible. Your thoughts are powerful beyond belief, remember that. What you put out into the Universe you will get back so even if it's giving yourself a pep talk, simply having good thoughts or reading or watching something that can help make this time a little more bearable then do that. I want you to be hopeful and know that the path ahead is promising and holds a lot for you. You must know that this is the end of your relationship but not the end of the world or your life. There is so much more in this world for you to discover and explore and so much more for you to become. Don't let this break-up consume you. You will make it through in time, I promise you that. You will eventually look back and be so astounded by what you have made it through even when you doubted yourself. You are destined for so much more than to be ruined by a break-up. Trust in your future and what's to come. Trust in new beginnings and a new direction that your life will take. Trust in meeting new people and going to new places. Trust in yourself. 

In the end and realistically there really is no guide or manual or short-cut to dealing with a break-up. Everyone will handle it differently to others but I've found that this is what has worked for me and if it can help at least one person reading this then I feel as though I've done something right. I want to end this by telling you that you need to trust in yourself and that you can make it through this. I promise you that time will work wonders, there's no need to rush to get through this break-up. All that matters is that you will eventually get through it which I know you will!

I wish you all the best and I hope that you can do whatever it takes to heal your heart.

Lots of love, Alyssa.