Part 2 of Alyssa Ho's Heartbreak series: How to deal with being broken up with
Breakups are hard to deal with, especially when you realise that someone no longer wants to be with you. You spend so much time wondering and perhaps even waiting for them to realise that maybe they made a mistake by letting you go. You dedicate so much time towards thinking that you've done something wrong, that there's something you should've or could've done to have kept them or that something is wrong with you.
You begin questioning, doubting and hating yourself simply because someone no longer wishes to walk a journey with you. For whatever reason it was that they decided to end things, whether it had to do with them or you, the reality is that it doesn't matter. Things have officially ended and there's really no use in endlessly trying to figure out what went wrong because maybe you'll never be given or find the real truth that you seek.
You may feel as though you are unworthy of being loved or that you or hard to love but the truth is that you just weren't destined to be with that person forever no matter how much you may have both believed that to be true. Sometimes we need to see people entering and leaving our lives as a blessing and a gift. Maybe they walked the journey with you to teach you something, to complement your life, to challenge and test you, to make you come to certain realisations and to make you realise what you truly want in love and life.
The truth as we have often tried to shy away from is that not everything will last forever. Perhaps you are to hold onto what you both had and shared and appreciated that it was real; it did happen and it did exist. Whilst they may no longer be in your life free yourself of the pain and perhaps hatred towards them and allow for the precious memories to live on in your mind but find yourself moving on and forward with your life.
Many people spend their lives hoping and wishing to experience love and the magic that it can bring into one's life and you were lucky enough to have first handedly gone through it all. Whilst that person may no longer be in your life the hardest part may be coming to terms with the fact that they consciously decided to end things and no longer be with you.
Here's my advice on how to deal with being broken up with:
Accept what has happened:
Firstly you need to understand that, that person who you saw yourself being for longer than this has made the conscious decision that they no longer wish to be with you. You cannot expect yourself to get over it and heal in the blink of an eye but you are to accept the situation that has unfolded at present. You are to accept that they no longer wish for you both to be a part of one another's life and this is where your journey together will end. You are then to accept that you are to have to go on and live without them and that you are to begin a new chapter of your life from this point onwards. If someone has actually made the time to sit there and question you and your relationship, you're better off without them.
Control your thoughts and stop blaming yourself or thinking that there's something you could've done to save the relationship:
You need to realise that while you may still have feelings for them and you never saw this coming to an end, nor did you ever want it to, you can't control what goes on in someone else's thoughts and how they feel. You can blame yourself all you want and think that perhaps you could've done something more or less to have saved the relationship and made it last but the truth is that you didn't see this coming. You can't regret anything because you deserve to be with someone who you give every single reason to walk away yet they will choose to stay and fight to be with you. We fall in love with each other for more than all of the beautiful reasons but rather each other's mistakes, regrets, failures, weirdness, shortcomings, weaknesses and struggles.
Come to terms with the fact that you may not get the closure or explanations that you want and deserve:
You can try and seek answers but the harsh, hurtful reality is that you may not get it or maybe you will but you won't get the truth. You could just be hearing what they want you to hear. Don't feel as though you're not deserving of closure or an explanation but rather see it as them not deserving you at all if they can't even give you a proper, truthful reason as to why they no longer wish to be with you. You may feel as though you need for them to tell you what led to this parting but is it really going to change anything? Is it going to heal your heart any more or will it only hurt it? Is it going to make them want you back or more? Your journey together has ended now and you are to go on without them so does it matter? You have to realise that you're destined for so much more than to be left wondering why someone who was meant to love and care for you doesn't want you anymore.
Know that while you may not have been good enough for them, that doesn't mean you're not good enough for someone else:
When you've been broken up with, it is perfectly common to believe that you weren't good enough for them and therefore that leads you to become insecure and introverted believing that you're not good enough for anyone else for that matter. That's not the truth at all. In life people will always come and go. You are to understand that not everyone who is a part of our life will be our perfect match, our better half, our forever or our "soul mate." However that doesn't mean that having them in our life was a complete and utter waste. It simply means that they were brought into our lives to teach us things about ourselves, them, life and the world. Don't let that person define you. You may not have been right for each other or destined for a future but that doesn't mean you won't find someone else.
Be patient and understanding with yourself:
Give yourself time to heal, there's no rush. Trust me when I tell you that time is exactly what you need. The more you try hurry to get over this and move forward or the more you falsely tell yourself and others that you're fine and that you've moved on, the more everything will eventually catch up on you and overwhelm you immensely. Don't feel as though you're not getting better or taking steps forward just because you still think of them, miss them, care about them or even love them. It's perfectly fine for these feelings to still exist, the main part is realising that you are to live without them. You need to be true to yourself throughout this time but you also need to be real and harsh with yourself. You can reflect on the past and what you both once shared but you do need to know that for your own sake, you can't linger on what was for too long. Instead you need to focus on what can become of you and your journey now.
Realise that you don't wish to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you:
After you've been broken up with you feel as though there's something about you that makes you unworthy of being in a relationship with or that you owe them an explanation. Beyond that you still have feelings for them and may chase them to give you another chance and be with you. Right here and now, you need to be extremely real and harsh with yourself: This person that you've devoted to yourself has put time and thought into deciding that they don't want to be with you anymore. If someone doesn't want to be with you and have made that clear, why should you have to run after them and try to force your way back into their life? If they wanted to be in contact they would but if not, then you need to accept that they don't want you in their life anymore and therefore neither should you want them in yours. To pursue someone who doesn't want to be with you, won't make them want you anymore. You must hold onto your self-respect and dignity and realise that someone who deserved you or truly wanted you in their life wouldn't second guess it and they would make an effort to make it work no matter how hard times got.
Feel blessed for what they brought into your life and taught you:
You can either sulk in sadness or approach the situation with anger, which won't get you anywhere at all, or you could take a moment to accept that this relationship has reached its full potential and for having the experience of sharing something special with someone who was once the perfect stranger you are thankful. You should free yourself from any negative feelings for holding onto them will only lead to hurting yourself and feeding your pain. Simply take some time away from the world and take the time to think why it was that you were brought into each other's lives. Maybe there was something specific about how you met, why you were attracted to each other or the timing of when you crossed paths. You should think of what they brought into your life and taught you. Maybe they brought out the best or the worst in you. Maybe they taught you things about yourself. Maybe you learned things about them. Maybe you opened yourself up to the world around you and this thing that we call life. Maybe you learned what you do and don't want in future relationships. Maybe you learned about what you want in life or where you want to be. From every life experience and person there's something for you to take away and treasure or simply learn and grow from.
Accept that not everything will last a lifetime and simply be grateful for the love and happiness that you were lucky enough to have experienced:
Relationships are difficult and they do take a lot of work but for the most part they unfold naturally. You need to realise that as time went on maybe things changed between the two of you, certain things came to light, conflicts became common, a future could not be seen, someone grew unhappy, different things were wanted or someone lost feelings. You need to accept that maybe you weren't the right match or you didn't complement each other well. From there you are to understand that not everything lasts forever in life and that shouldn't make you lose hope in love altogether but it should make you thankful for what you were able to experience. Many people wish for someone they like to like them back or for a relationship and you were lucky enough to have the both of that. Things may have changed as time went on but you are to look back and appreciate that you were able to share something in a deep, intimate experience with another human being.
See it as the chance for you two to discover who you are and what you truly want in life:
This is a new experience for the both of you and the new direction in which both of your lives will take. It's going to be difficult to understand that you will not be walking the journey together but you need to realise that you can only strengthen from this breakup. You can allow it to consume you or you can conquer it. Take this as a moment to reflect and get excited about what your future holds for you. You are about to embark upon a whirlwind experience where you will witness yourself cry, break down, doubt yourself, lose yourself and even more importantly, accept, learn, grow, laugh, change and move on and forward. This is the time for you to explore who you are as a person and the big world out there. You need to understand that there are more experiences in life rather than a breakup, that there are people out there rather than just your ex partner and that there is a world beyond this whole situation. In ending your journey together they have given you the opportunity to discover who you are or perhaps who you want to become and what you have in life or perhaps what you want.
Allow for this ending to signify a new beginning:
This may be the end of your relationship but it isn't the end of your life. This is the perfect time to gain hope that your present and future will hold promising things for you if you let it. This is the end but at the same time it's the beginning of a new you, a new life and a new perspective. I want you to give yourself a reason to wake and brave each new day. I want you to make yourself look forward to the life that you're going to create for yourself and live. I want you to realise that it's okay to break down and cry every now and then but after that I want you to have the strength to rise, fight back and make the most of your life. I want you to explore, discover and go on adventures. I want you to go to new, different places and meet new, different people. I want you to create goals for yourself and focus on your future and your ambitions. I want you to surround yourself with those who will lift you up and do anything within their power to help you through this time. I want you to spend time doing things that you love or simply make you happy. I want you to keep on living and surviving because you deserve to and there is so much more to life than being upset over someone who isn't walking your journey with you anymore.
Take some time to be by yourself:
The reality is that, as any other human being or any other point in your life, you will have to deal with being by yourself. Now that you're no longer together you're going to take it way harder than you ever have before. You will feel lonely, unloved and alone but you must realise that it's perfectly fine and normal to take this time to return to the past and thoughts of your ex-partner. You may reflect, cry, break down and lose all hope but from there you can only fall to get back up and decide that you refuse to feel this way any longer and that you will fight all of this; you will fight to keep on going. You need to learn to be by yourself and to enjoy it. There are people who absolutely adore having alone time and whilst you may see this as a moment of darkness and deep misery, you are to let the pain come and go. Don't fight it. Sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts and fall into despair in order to open your eyes and realise that you are destined and deserve more in life than to cry over a breakup and someone who doesn't want to be with you.
If potential loves happen to come into your life don't be fearful:
I'm not suggesting that you jump into something new straight away but in time when you feel as though you've healed and that you're not just going to settle for any relationship for the sake of getting back at your ex partner or forgetting them, you can leave yourself open to meeting someone else. It's going to be difficult to do so after being broken by someone else for you will not only question yourself but you will most likely question that person and their intentions. You'll be afraid of being hurt and left again and the idea of being with someone else may seem far at the back of your mind. You don't want to risk another disappointment and heartbreak but don't allow for the breakup to cheat you or fear you from what could be something truly magical. You'll never know if you don't try. Don't see it as an added heartbreak to heal from or another person who you're not good enough for but rather see it as an opportunity to show your real self and how much love you have to give. If someone can't accept that or doesn't want to be with you then you need to be so comfortable in yourself and what you have to offer that you know that is their loss.
Lastly, know that things will be OKAY and that life after this breakup will go on:
I understand that accepting it all and having to realise that you are to move on and forward without them is heartbreaking and painful but you need to know that you have it within you to overcome all of this no matter how unlikely it seems right now.
Here's some helpful articles that I found whilst writing this article and seeking some inspiration on writing this piece:
6 Things You Learn When Someone Breaks Up With You
Breaking Up and Moving On
No comments:
Post a Comment