Lets talk about break-ups and in this sense I want to focus on how to generally deal with a break-up despite whether you were the one who made the conscious decision to end it or not. The reality with many breakups is that whether it's what you did or did not want you're essentially losing someone who was once a major part of your life and someone who you once shared mutual feelings and meaningful experiences with.
Therefore, you're never going to be able to forget about it all and them in the blink of an eye or as much as you convince yourself that you have. Breakups are difficult to deal with and I don't intend to sit here, writing to you all claiming to be some sort of love doctor or relationship expert. I'm simply giving you advice from my perspective for I believe that experiencing breakups is a universal thing.
When you know in your mind and heart that a relationship has ended for good one thing that you need to accept is that you do have to deal with it and face what has happened. If you try to run away from it and escape it all, I promise you that it will eventually catch up with you and only then it'll be harder for you to deal with as it will seem as one big bombardment.
Here's my own advice on how to deal with a break-up:
Accept what has happened and why it has ended:
The pain still lives on and is perhaps raw but you must acknowledge that this relationship is officially over and therefore you need to accept that and the demise of the partnership in order to move on and forth. From there, you are to consider why it was that it all came to an end but never place any blame on yourself or think of what you could've done to save it. If someone truly wanted to be in your life and to be with you they would've found a way to make it work instead of walking away. As with every encounter in life this is the time to reflect on what that person taught you either about them, yourself, people, life or perhaps more deeply, what you're looking for whether that's in terms of a future relationship or your future in general.
Realise what's stopping you from letting go and moving on:
Maybe there's something stopping you from letting go and moving on with your life. It's perfectly normal to miss them, all that you had and all that you could've had but maybe it's something else. Are you fearful that they will meet someone else, that they have something that they could use against you, that you feel you owe them something or that they will forget you? I promise you these thoughts will not serve you well. If the relationship has come to an end none of this matters. Fear may cause you to hold on but if they've already let go then so can you. I want you to acknowledge what's stopping you from letting go and moving on and then I want you to think of how you can overcome it all because I know that there will be a way somehow. More often than not it's just your thoughts haunting you and leading you into paranoia.
Give yourself time and don't be afraid to break down:
The problem with breakups is that we often put too much pressure on ourselves to heal and get over it. We endlessly feel as though we have made some sort of improvement but then suddenly we feel as though we are back at square one. Dealing with a breakup is somewhat of a journey; it will take time. Don't rush yourself or don't give yourself a time limit in which you expect yourself to be free from it all. Trust that in time you will learn to live without them there. A piece of advice that one of my best friend's gave me when I was going through a breakup was to let the pain come and go. I then learned that it was okay to breakdown here and there and that it didn't mean that I wasn't making any progress; it simply meant that I have a right to my emotions and that sometimes you just need to cry it all out and have a serious breakdown here and there.
Reminders of them and remembering them will come and go:
I want you to know that you will think of them or you will miss them. Don't let yourself believe that any reminder or remembrance of them means that you need them back in your life or that you need to reach out to them. You are trying to move on from them of course they're going to cross you mind as they're the very thing that you're trying to forget. Cherish what you had but at the same time find yourself moving on and forward with your life. The thoughts of them should never signify to you that you need them back it just means that you will have to accept that they will come across your mind every now and then. Let them enter and leave your thoughts. With the thoughts of them may come heartbreak, hurt, pain, tears and misery either due to how much they hurt you or how much you wish you could go back in time but you need to let this all unfold naturally, as hard as it will get, for this is simply just a part of the healing process. It's not meant to be easy but that doesn't mean that you can't make it through.
Accept that you may hear about them, from them or see them around:
Breakups are hard because whilst you may try to escape from it all, the reality is that you may not be able to escape it entirely. Maybe you will hear about them, hear from them or see them around. You must be prepared for this. You may hear something that will make your heart melt or on the other end of that you may hear something that will shatter your heart into pieces. If you know in your heart that this relationship cannot be fixed and it cannot be something in which you return to then I need you to stay strong and fight everything that's trying to drag you back to your past; a closed chapter of your life. If you're hearing something that will send a dagger straight through your chest just know that not everything you see or hear is the truth, that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and that you have it within you to make it through all of this. Don't let people and words ruin you, you're better than that and you're destined for so much more than that.
Know that they may meet someone but also be hopeful about what that means for you:
A hard thing about dealing with a breakup is the gut-wrenching thought and possibility that lingers in your mind of them with someone else. You think to yourself that they may be talking to someone else, meeting or hooking up with someone else or that they could be with someone else (either right now or in the future.) You are no longer together this should be none of your business. Treat that person who you were once with as a complete stranger who is able to do whatever they please just as you are able to as well. If they wish to forget you and move on with someone else then you've suffered no loss at all for you deserve someone who considers you irreplaceable.
It's hurtful and heartbreaking to think or know that they are with someone else but just think of it as their way of trying to avoid having to deal with the breakup as you admirably are. They are trying to run away from facing it and thinking of and missing you. Change your perspective: think that maybe they want someone else their to fill the void that is you. Just think, if they can find someone else or could potentially be with someone else in the future, who is to say that you can't? This isn't a competition as to who can move on, it's about realising that moving on doesn't necessarily mean having to find someone else.
Be ready for loneliness:
As much as you try to stay happy or occupied the truth is that you will face some truly testing and difficult moments where you just can't hold it in anymore and you have a breakdown or a cry. There will be moments where you do something and you think of them or you may simply just feel lonely especially when night time comes and you're there by yourself and with your raging thoughts. You need to realise that just as you may be alone during this time so may they. There will be a time where they will be completely by themselves and you will cross their mind so don't feel as though you're in this alone. The moments of loneliness will not be easy to come by but just know that it's perfectly fine and normal to succumb to the pain, just don't allow yourself to stay in that state forever. Fall down but remember to get back up. You're guaranteed to have those moments where you think of them and just fall to pieces and feel that you have absolutely no-one but the reality is that you're slowly healing and this is just a part of you learning to cope without having them there. You're on the road to living without them.
When you're no longer with someone this is the perfect chance to really reflect on you and who you are or who you want to be. This is the time to set personal goals for yourself. You may perhaps want to think about what the future holds for you and what direction you're going to take. Maybe you want to consider your ambitions and dreams or doing something different or that you've always wanted to but never got around to. You must spend some time exploring yourself and this world. Don't dwell in misery and loneliness, get out there and explore everything around you whether it's sitting at a cafe, strolling through the city, enjoy mother-nature, going on a road trip, escaping to somewhere where you can clear your mind or maybe even travelling. Don't keep yourself away from the world but rather delve into it and go on some adventures.
Do things that make you happy and surround yourself with those who make you happy:
If you know that this is going to be a terribly difficult time for you, consider what makes you happy and spend some time devoting yourself to that rather than drowning yourself in self-pity and misery. You need to spend time doing things that you love, that you've always wished to, that comfort you, that heal and help you, that challenge you, that make you laugh or that take you out of your comfort zone. This time is about you and ensuring that you will be okay and that you're doing fine. Don't hold back on focusing on you and your happiness. Don't worry about what your ex-partner is doing, focus on you. During this time it helps tremendously if you're being surrounded by people who you can turn to and talk to. If you find that somebody is potentially toxic to you as you deal and recover from this break-up you may need to consider distancing from them during this time. You need to be around those who will be there for you and will go that extra mile to ensure that you make it through it all.
Stay positive:
You need to constantly keep an open-mind and a positive perspective on things whether that's through channeling good vibes or sourcing inspiration, motivation and empowerment by any means possible. Your thoughts are powerful beyond belief, remember that. What you put out into the Universe you will get back so even if it's giving yourself a pep talk, simply having good thoughts or reading or watching something that can help make this time a little more bearable then do that. I want you to be hopeful and know that the path ahead is promising and holds a lot for you. You must know that this is the end of your relationship but not the end of the world or your life. There is so much more in this world for you to discover and explore and so much more for you to become. Don't let this break-up consume you. You will make it through in time, I promise you that. You will eventually look back and be so astounded by what you have made it through even when you doubted yourself. You are destined for so much more than to be ruined by a break-up. Trust in your future and what's to come. Trust in new beginnings and a new direction that your life will take. Trust in meeting new people and going to new places. Trust in yourself.
In the end and realistically there really is no guide or manual or short-cut to dealing with a break-up. Everyone will handle it differently to others but I've found that this is what has worked for me and if it can help at least one person reading this then I feel as though I've done something right. I want to end this by telling you that you need to trust in yourself and that you can make it through this. I promise you that time will work wonders, there's no need to rush to get through this break-up. All that matters is that you will eventually get through it which I know you will!
I wish you all the best and I hope that you can do whatever it takes to heal your heart.
Lots of love, Alyssa.
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