Part 4 of Alyssa's Heartbreak Series: How to deal with your ex-partner finding someone else.
Whether it was them or yourself who ended it having to hear or know that they've gone and found someone else will always break your heart. You become torn between feeling jealous or hurt. The pain enters into you as you feel as though they have not only gone and replaced you but that they have well and truly forgotten you. You feel a sense of betrayal, even though you're no longer together, that they've just gone and thrown everything you ever meant to them or everything that you've ever shared away just like that. You feel isolated as though it's them against you. You feel as though you're the only one of you two who is really going through the heartache of this breakup. You feel a sense of anger that they felt this was some sort of competition as to who could find someone else first. No matter how you feel just know that them finding and being with someone else isn't the end of your world. You are destined for so much more than to be hurt by someone who doesn't see or appreciate your worth. If anything, them finding someone else should only give you hope that someday when the timing is right, you will meet someone too.
Why should you be sitting there sulking whilst they're off with someone else? You can be the victim in all of this only if you choose to be. Whether or not they're intentionally trying to get to you and your heart by finding someone else you should know that in either case they're not worth any of your time, effort and attention for any longer. If they have shown you that they have found someone else and moved on then that shouldn't give you any reason to continue holding on.
Here's my advice on how to deal with your ex-partner finding someone else:
Accept that your ex-partner may just be doing this to intentionally get to you and hurt you:
Following a breakup, there's usually a sense of competition as to who can find someone else first. If you've broken up with your partner or if they're just that type of person who doesn't care much for someone else's feelings, they will purposefully seek someone out for the pure sake of avenging you or causing you pain. Perhaps they feel as though they wish for you to hurt just as much as you made them hurt or perhaps you need to accept that their heart is not as big as you believed it to be. You have to understand that a part of them may want you to know that they are now with someone else which in reality only makes you question whether the relationship is genuine or if they're only in it to prove something to you.
Realise that the grass isn't always greener on the other side:
In your mind, (or lets be honest, based on what we see on social media), we have this image and idea that the new relationship your ex-partner is in is beyond anything more than you two ever shared. You need to understand that what they share with that person cannot be judged purely based on what you imagine in your mind or what they have chosen to share with the world. You are only hurting, or perhaps torturing, yourself more by believing it to be more than what it is. You have to know that whilst they've found someone else, it may not be what they truly want but for the sake of having the upper hand in the breakup they choose to stick with it. You don't know what's going through your exes mind and why they've pursued this relationship and if they're genuinely happy to be in it. Either way it's none of your business and concern. You are to focus on your life, not theirs.
Understand that this may just be their way of coping with the breakup or rather trying not to:
Something that you need to know is that your ex getting into a relationship, especially very soon following the breakup, may just be an escape route for them from having to face their feelings and deal with your journey together ending. You can't help but think it selfish of them to not face what's happened head on and to go through the same heartbreak and heartache yourself but if anything you should pity them for not having the courage and instead having the cowardice to use someone else as a means of forgetting you and everything that has happened. The truth may be that they cannot fathom the thought of being alone during the breakup and instead they are choosing to avoid it entirely by using someone else.
Prove to them that unlike them, you know how to be and love being independent:
There are simply those who cannot even handle being alone or simply don't even know how to. You'll notice that they are endlessly jumping from one relationship to another as if none of them ever meant anything to them at all. If anything this not only shows just how selfish they are but it shows their lack of independence and that they constantly feel they need someone there to remind them of their existence and purpose. You need to prove that you don't need someone else in your life to complete you and give you a sense of identity. You stand stronger in being alone because you prove that you can still find happiness in life that is free of coming from entirely one other person's company.
Let the anger and hurt of realising that they've found someone else be enough reason to stop talking to them, thinking of them, wanting them or simply holding yourself from moving on and forward:
In some cases, finding out that they have found someone else can lead you to chase them and try to force your way back into their life. Is it worth it for someone who could so easily hurt you, replace you, neglect you and forget you? If anything you realising that they have gone and found someone else should be enough reason for you to consider the past as the past and get on with your life. They've showed you that they can go and share in something special with someone else and if anything why should you humiliate and degrade yourself by still wanting them and still showing them how much you adore them? If anything it just shows or indicates to them that they can have the best of both worlds. Do not spoil them for choice. You are more than a choice to them.
Come to see that whether their new love is fleeting or may last forever, that shouldn't concern you one bit:
Your ex-partner can only continue hurting you if you let them. If you simply learn to not care about it, nothing they do can get to you anymore. It sounds easy but in practice it won't be and neither is it meant to be but it will be worth it. You can sit there wondering or hoping that the relationship won't last for long or you can sit there stressing that they could be in it for the long run and have a promising future together but you're only causing this added heartbreak to yourself. Let them do whatever they wish and you do your own thing and live a life that you want and love. You are destined for so much more than to be consumed and bothered by your ex partner and what they're currently doing with their life. Your new chapter is waiting.
Know that you're in no rush to settle and that you would rather wait for the right person however long that may be:
Whilst they may have rushed straight into a relationship, you don't feel as though you have anything to prove. You are busy focusing on yourself and your future instead of feeling as though a relationship is everything in life and more. Unlike them you would like to take your time in being with someone for you're not willing to settle nor are you willing to engage in something just to pass the time or something that you know will not last. You're wanting to wait for someone who is well and truly worth the wait. Unlike you ex partner you don't wish to be with someone for the pure sake of it or for your own selfish reasons such as getting over a breakup or someone.
As hard as it sounds, try to not let it affect you.
The truth is that you cannot control every situation in life or what people choose to do. In trying to understand how they could find someone else or the entire situation that has unfolded you're only hurting yourself. Free your mind from thinking about it or stressing over it. The chapter of your life with them has closed and while they have started upon a new one, so are you. You can spend your time trying to understand, dissect, cry, hurt and break down over them finding someone else but what's the point? You can't stop them from doing anything in life and that sense of powerlessness should lead you to leave the entire situation and focus on your own.
Have it give you hope and faith that you will find someone:
Understandably, knowing that they have gone and find someone else may cause you to lose all hope of perhaps being with them ever again or maybe even finding someone yourself who will accept you for you but if anything, it should only make you realise that if they can find someone else then so can you. You are not destined to be with your ex partner no matter how much you lead yourself to believe so. If something has already been broken, it's sometimes best to try to not fix it for it'll never be the same as it once was. See your ex having found someone else remind you of what you have to give and how much love you have to offer someone else just as you once gave to them.
For now understand that moving on isn't about finding someone else but rather finding yourself:
A widely held belief following a breakup is that each person in the relationship is to 'move on.' However, what they perceive as a successful move on is finding someone else. Moving on isn't about entering into another relationship, it's about entering a path of self-discovery and self-love. This is the perfect time for you to discover who you are and what you want in life. This isn't about your ex and anything and everything that has happened between you, it's about you and what step you're going to take next. This is your new beginning and your chance to explore who you are or who you want to be and where you are in life and where you wish to be.
To find out that your ex has found someone else will always crush your heart and it will deeply pain you but you must know that you are destined for more than to be made so broken by someone who doesn't love, care or think of you anymore. You have to be honest with yourself during this time if you want to be able to move on and forward with your life.
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