I've been in a dark place with my life before but now, after controlling my mind and my thoughts, I know in my heart that I'll never fall into that abyss again or at least I'll try not to let myself. Even if I somehow do return to that place I trust in entering and leaving because I know that it is possible to not remain there. There was a time where I fell into a state of constant sadness and depression. It came and went.
Many of my nights were spent crying and well and truly falling into states of self-pity, self-questioning, self-hate and self-doubt. I wondered who I was, what I was doing with my life and where I was going if I were going anywhere at all for the matter. Admittedly I questioned taking my life but the fear of doing so always superseded that idea. If you're in a place where you feel like it's an option for you, I beg you not do it. Why? Because I learnt that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and absolutely despise yourself and your life before you decide to make a change and head in a promising direction.
All it took was for one thing to go wrong and suddenly everything began to fall apart and no longer make much or any sense at all. For all of us feeling such a way can be attributed to different things as we all lead our own lives. I know that for me it was feeling unfulfilled by the existing relationships in my life and thus feeling alone, pursuing opportunities only to be left disappointed, wanting to do something but feeling that it was beyond my power to be able to and feeling like I wasn't accomplishing much or anything at all.
I know what it's like to dread and fear waking up to tomorrow knowing that you'll again fall into a vicious cycle of feeling unhappy and unsatisfied with yourself and your life. However you have the power and potential, at any given moment, to say that you matter and therefore you will take control of your own happiness and the direction in which your life will head. You can only be upset and miserable if you allow yourself to be. If you want to make a change and if you want to reach a certain state in your life then it all begins with you. You have what it takes to turn it all around for yourself, believe me. It all comes down to you and only you.
You won't always get it right the first time or countless times thereafter but that's just life. We live and we learn. Eventually you'll come to accept the need and inevitability to take the good with the bad and be somewhat content. I've realised that not every single moment in life can bring us what we want and desire and that's okay. You simply have to see the beauty, lessons, perspective and positivity in everything.
Don't be afraid to let the pain come and go and to cry it all out but don't think that just because things aren't going ideally that you don't belong here at all; that your life isn't worth holding onto. I truly believe that we are all something special. We all have something to offer the world even if we are yet to know what it is. We can spend so much of our lives trying to figure out who we are and what we want to do, forgetting that we don't have to have it all figured out or things don't have to go according to plan or perfectly. The beauty of life is the journey and perhaps never knowing where we are going. Sometimes you don't need that clear direction. You just take everything as it comes. Take every single moment as a stepping stone, a lesson or experience.
Trust me when I tell you that I know how cruel and testing life can be. The worst thing you can do at such a time is be your own enemy. You can do so through the adoption of harmful, negative and concerning thoughts: by believing that you're not good enough or that you won't amount to anything, by believing that your happiness depends on others especially those who are toxic to you, by thinking it's too late to make a change to who you are and your life, by not giving yourself the chance to start anew and by endlessly pitying, questioning, hating and doubting yourself.
I look back now and I've realised how thankful I am for those dark moments in my life because it was always when I felt so miserable about my life that I was always more focused and determined to fight back and make a change to whatever it was that was causing me to feel this way. You'll realise that there will be things and perhaps people you'll have to let go of, that happiness will come and go, you'll have changes to make, that there will always be downfalls in your life just alike anyone else's, that you will have to create goals and visions, you'll have to challenge yourself, that you have to take risks, that you can pursue opportunities as well as create them and that things will get better if you are willing to believe so and work towards making that happen.
Take the time to figure out who you are and who you want to be, where you currently are opposed to where you want to be and what you are currently doing with your life and what you truly want to do. I've spent a lot of time endlessly curating these lists based on the aforementioned and I believe that they do contribute to my goal of making a change to my life and constantly making me look forward to tomorrow. I don't always dedicate myself whole-heartedly to what I want out of life. Sometimes I do get side-tracked but I always have hope and faith that I will get there in the end so long as I remind myself of what I want out of my life.
Life isn't meant to be easy and neither will everything will get handed to us on a silver platter. You will have to fight for your happiness and for where you want to be but I know that it'll all be worth it in the end. The harder you have to fight for something the more satisfied you will be when it's yours because you know that you deserve it because you've rightly earned it. Do what you can to make yourself look forward to tomorrow. The idea of a new beginning and just making a change to anything I'm not pleased with in my life has always carried me through the darkness.
A fresh start and the idea of starting all over is always so exciting; it truly gives you something to look forward to. Tell yourself that things will get better for you won't let yourself feel and live like this anymore. You have what it takes to be who you want and to where you want, you just have to believe it. You may, like myself, have to start over time and time again but that's perfectly fine and normal. As long as you're persistently getting yourself excited about what's to come and what you're about to do.
I know how cruel and testing life can often be but don't let it overwhelm or overpower you. Sometimes you do have to fight back. I believe in you and that you can pass through this dark time. I promise you that there's nothing quite like being able to look back on an immensely dark part of your life knowing that you've made it through it all. It's that feeling of knowing that you could've let it take you in, break you apart and ruin you however you didn't. You are the master of your own destiny so may you know that at any point in time, whenever it is that you wish, you can make a change to your life for the better.
Don't think that you need to get everything right in life or to have everything figured out. Stop being so hard on yourself. See life as needing to knock you down every once in a while to remind you of how lucky you are to be alive and to be surrounded by all that you have. See it as a wakeup call to make a change to what's the cause of your unhappiness. See it as the beginning of something greater. See it as your journey continuing, perhaps even restarting.
Your life is yours so treasure it and never let anyone take it away from you. You are something special. You are here for a reason. You are valuable and worthy. You have something to offer the rest of the world. You are unique. You are capable and powerful. You will fight back and carry on. You are important. You are going to be the person you want to be and you will lead the life you want. Always know and remember that.
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